1/6/00; 12:21 PM
He held his head lowAs he left the lowly district of the city
He walked through the dirty gutters
Kicking the empty cans into the oncoming traffic
But the pleasure of popping tires
Was no consolation to him
It began to rain
And the gutters began to consume the deluge
But while the leaves are washed away
His soul is as cluttered as can be
It’s been thirty minutes of torrential downpours
But he only carries terrifying thoughts
It’s only twenty minutes until he reaches home
But he has ten minutes left to walk
A bus passes and splashes the man
But he isn’t chilled to the bone
For his entire body is weary enough
And while depression stems in his thoughts
His only dream is home
Since home is where the heart is
There must be no home for him
For in the floods that have tortured his spirit
All of his hopes have been washed out
1/7/00; 2:12 PM
The portal creaked openAnd I was too far away to stop it
Slowly, I saw her walk away
Her back turned
With me looking straight at her
Her strides are moderate
And her eyes were forward
Why did she seem so alone?
There was no one around her
Just a sea of emptiness and tranquillity
Oh how she made a stir as she walked about
But now the portal rest open
I scream and I cry
For I don’t want to say goodbye
And I definantly don’t want her to go
If I have no opportunity to see her off
But I am too late
I have missed someone that I could feel no hate
And I can’t even say a quaint farewell
I turn away and walk home
Is there anywhere I can really go?
But now she has been swallowed up
And the portal is closed
1/11/00; 11:59 AM
He used to ask me a riddle a weekAnd almost every week I got it
But then the poor chap lost his marbles
Because the one great enigma in his life
Was left unanswered
Now he lives inside the wall
It could only be that such a great man
Would have such a great fall
And now he bides his time standing all alone
With one great question before him
But no answer to show
The gargantuan query leers vigorously before him
Like an angry drunkard whose temper exploded
But he is without a word
Without a fidget
Without a reaction
And most unfortunately without a response
I can still see his shameful face when I close my eyes
Him with his closed mind and a heart wrenched dry
With a blank stare stabbing at the wind
Having no answer
To the question just asked to him
That mortified look, my brain will never leave behind
Every time someone ask what query boggles his mind
And to that question I can only reply
“What truths can be told every time you lie?”
1/11/00; 3:17 PM
He wallowed in the fieldsWith the moths and the millers
Wondering about his wives and the letters
He sleeps through the morning
And snorts awake at twelve
Living out his life long hell
And the worms burrow into his chest
They dig deep
They drive him back to sleep
Leaving him lost
In times long gone
They dig deeper
His breathing turns from spurts to pants
He’s beginning to realize one solemn fact
That he doesn’t have much further to go
They dig deeper than they ever have before
The moths begin to fly in a storm
And the millers exit for the ones they adore
The worms have dug through him
And now he’s alone
1/11/00; 10:53 PM
I was laying thereBruised, battered, and bleeding
My body strewn askewly on the floor
My soul was torn, tattered, and reeling
And it laid listlessly about me
I felt more pain than I ever have before
I fell and suddenly my head was raised
Oh, I only wish that moment lasted longer
For it’s one I’ll remember the rest of my days
There I was
My mind not completely there
If you could tell, I didn’t care
There I was
The atmosphere changed from grim to lovely
But it’d be completely different
If someone wasn’t there with me
I was there
And things were good because you were too
Though we both stared in a semi-dreamy state
First, blankly at each other
Then nervously about the room
To this day, I wonder how I got there with you
The moment passed
But the memory lingers
And it’s not your average photo in the album
It’s one that I keep framed
One that will forever remain safe
Even if the only part I remember is you
1/12/00; 7:31 AM
He was whippedHis sweat fell off his back
And so did his skin
He was beaten so hard
He had no idea where he’d been
The now was his only refuge
Too bad it was his only remorse
Now was his memory
And he had no means to block it
Another lash
Another tear
Another time he wished he was somewhere else
But where?
Is there truly anywhere to go?
For such a dreadful and long painful time
Makes the poor man lose his mind
But his heart was thrown from the window
He would be flying too
But he was tied to the ground
Being whipped all day long
For the past he had forgotten
1/12/00; 11:30 PM
The window must be cleanedFor it makes the sun gleam
And when I look out it
The sunshine doesn’t reach me
I can watch it rise
I can watch it set
But no matter what
I am left with no real feeling
The window is dirty
It’s been tainted by things outside
Some wish to break it
Some to restore it
But the ones out there don’t know how to treat it
I love the window
I do my part
Cleaning it from the inside
In time, it will shine
But only when it’s clean out there too
Everyday I stare outside
Wondering when someone will come to look at me
Maybe then the sun will quit it’s gleam
For the window must be cleaned
1/13/00; 7:30 AM
He was youngHe was lost and looking
Yearning for love
So he went to the city
Where all of the romantic movies had been shot
He went to the club
But it didn’t open till ten
He was slightly dejected
But he moved on
He went to the little hot dog stand on the corner
And a fat, greasy man was there to greet him
They had a nice chat
Until the man couldn’t cover his fees
The salesman spat in his face
And cursed him to run along
But the story didn’t end there
As they never seem to do
For he wandered about the city
Looking for love
While his wife was home praying to those above
Begging for her beloved husband to come home
1/13/00; 11:18 AM
The gray surrounds us allWe were swimming in it
But we’re beginning to drown
It is our hunger that drives us
And the gray’s stomach is growling
We ourselves may be the innocent victims
But it’s our fault we’re being hunted
When times are of trouble
We flee to the gray
Well, that’s my story any way
But in the gray we can hide
We can bid our time
Biding our troubles goodbye
Or at least stay until they pass away
The trouble starts when the trouble stops
For when it’s all over
The every inviting maw of the gray shuts
The light leaves
And hopes of escape are no more
For next comes the gray that is the storm
We are drowning
We are suffocating
And we’re only hoping that the pain
Doesn’t last much longer
For we ran from trouble
But the gray was much larger
1/14/00; 2:12 PM
I have been hung out to dryAnd the sun is roasting me
I am only asking why I’m here
And wondering how to stop it
The sun bombards me
And my skin is peeling off
Now I’m exposed
Before the crowding masses
They can see my fears
And laugh at my pleasures
My baptism is over
And my soul has retired to the ashes
But only to burn again soon
1/16/00; 9:10 PM
I heard what they saidAnd it hurt me in the head
Brought my heart to tears
Almost made me wish I was dead
Yes, I heard what they said
No, the ticking clock in my mind wouldn’t stop
I also heard about what they said
And why they said it
I understand the implications completely
I heard it all
And it’s all in my head
But that goes without saying
Yes, I am crazy
Brain spasm brain spasm
Yes, I can feel the chasm open in my mind
My hopes have been thwarted
But please don’t stop it
I’m relishing and deviously delving
Into the immaculate scenario at hand
They said what I heard
About what I thought I said
That my heart was crying
And I wished them all dead
Yes, everything is all in my head
But the ticking clock in my mind has started again
1/16/00; 9:22 PM
I see nothingI feel something
And I think things may finally be falling through
The wheel is cranking
I can feel that clearly
Too bad my peace of mind is failing
The blindfold falls off
My senses are shocked
Enthralled in the onslaught of onlookers
I can hear the wheel creaking
I can see the folks speaking
But my SOS is SOL
Because none of them are listening
The clouds and clear blue sky
Sear under the pale white sun
Too bad the land’s favorite son
Is shaking his head
At the sight before him
And now I must say to my friends before me
“Watch me die as the wheel turns slowly!
I am not the love starved fool you perceive me to be,
Just a cunning fool with the genius disease!”
My arms begin tearing
And my eyes begin glaring
Watching the crowd cheering
At my apparent suffering
As my eyes begin tearing
So I shut them
But everything was still quite dreary
1/18/00; 7:18 PM
The hammer came crashing downAnd a few in the crowd
Were lost under its weight
They never had a chance to escape
I saw it rise again
And all my skin did was crawl
As I saw it move closer
I’d run if I could
But the crowd wouldn’t move
Once again, I heard the hammer fall
This time I felt it
My legs began to shake
My sanity is wearing thin
My eyes are searching to and fro
Screaming at me to say which way to go
The crowd, ever persistent
Refused to move away
Suddenly the shadow creeped over me
And I knew the next metallic clang
Would be accompanied by my crushed bones
The hammer was quite thoughtless in who it chose
I tried to run once again
Attempting to shove through the crowds
And my mounting fear
Suddenly the whole lot looked up
The hammer fell down
But only I was struck
1/19/00; 4:54 PM
There are people out thereWho sometimes wonder how things are
Then there are people out there
Who wish not to see the stars
And there are other people
Who don’t know where things are
But they search all day
And cry all night
Wondering why they fight though such strife
I don’t know who I am
I just know things aren’t how they seem
But I can’t change the cogs in this machine
It will run its course
Then it will run away
Today, I have seen many people walk by
But everyday it’s all the same
Everyone knows where they’re going
But no one knows where they are being led
All we do is dread
Wondering what course we are taking
And of course, things aren’t going our way
1/21/00; 2:41 PM
It drips, it dropsIt stutters, shudders, falls
And it stops
Everything is all gone
Except for what you forgot to bring
It’s at home
Waiting for your return
Wanting for you to come home soon
Too bad it’s resting in a forgotten mess
Laying there
Accumulating it’s own distress
It loved your touch
But you shall be feeling it no more
Back at home
Transversing long and story dreaming
Because it’s lost in the dark
And the darkness is where we reside
For sometimes we forget where to hide
About why we want to get to the show
And how we’re going to get there
And we blunder about
Stubbing our toes
Wondering why we leave everything at home
1/25/00; 4:18 PM
He cried for the longest time todayNo one is completely sure why
Was it the burden he held on his back,
Or did he have quickly withering sanity?
Could it be that his back has broken,
And his mind has withered away?
His tears came down with a tumultuous struggle
Every single one flooding the pool on the floor
No one knows when his sorrow will cease
For no one’s sure what he’s crying for
It must’ve be for his good friend and neighbor
Who we all used to call “Strange Uncle James”
For his delusional derisions were laughable
But his heart was golden just the same
We all had a heavy heart
But I never knew one could cry so hard
He hiccuped with sadness
And he shook with a sorrow he couldn’t let out
A lost loved one is never forgotten
But when one loses the one they adore
No amount of tears cleanses the soul
1/25/00; 5:14 PM
I was among them in the crowdsMarching in the parade
It was full of people
Trying to earn a good living
So they could live life for their own sake
It had taken a while
But after many left turns
And after many beer-bottle-nocturnes
We finally reached our goal
In this promised land
To each his own home
But I was in the back of the line
Not being one to shove my way to the front
They had obviously been marching for their own good
For they shut the door
And left me out
My promised piece of the pie had been eaten
And I’m sure digestion had run it’s course
Of course, I knew that pie would’ve tasted bad
But it was the only one left on the shelf
I marched back home, all alone
Being the proverbial bottom dog
Of some greedy man’s climb to the top
All I have is my freedom,
My feet, and myself
While all they have is their riches
But one only wonders
If they have a wealth of something else
1/26/00; 10:24 PM
Time falls away all the timeAnd some watch it pass by
But if the time was right
I’d grasp it and hold it tight
Wouldn’t that be the only thing to do?
If times were bad
Wouldn’t you hold your dearest things closest to you,
Even if all of your hopes fell though?
I know I would
And hopefully I wouldn’t be the one to break them
I know that sometimes I hold things too tightly
We’re all human
Some of us cling to others
Some of us break
But when life reaches the time of dire straights
I can only wonder what route I’ll take
That time will come eventually
But for now, I’ll be wishing and dreaming
While I’m waiting
For if such a horrid crisis hits our God-forsaken land
I hope you’ll be there to lend a helping hand
1/29/00; 11:10 PM
The doctors say that everything isn't that badSo I guess that's why there's only a hammering in my head
That happens to strike my soul every time it misses
For it wants only to smite all my wishes
Why is it that the hammer began striking?
Was it truly just because of an act many people do nightly?
All of the doctors shrewdly shake their heads in ignorance
But that's their job
And they'll pick up their paycheck with such indifference
It only had to be just one didn't it?
And suddenly life turned from the unexpected
To many and many an unwanted fear
I don't know why my good tidings disappeared
But I can certainly assume
And maybe I'll spawn a mule on my way home
Once again the doctors collectively shake their heads
For now the hammer has someone else to call a friend
'Tis nothing more than a lowly kitchen fork
That loves to scratch at my leg
What is it that these doctors are trying to save?
Now my soul is aching
And my leg is itching
But the pain has only just begun
For my memories are leering
And my heart begins searing
This sort of fumigation is never fun
Finally a doctor steps forward
To my surprise he is laughing at my demise
But how struck should I be?
Honestly, my predicament is a rarity
So why shouldn't one overpaid surgeon be riotous
While the rest are scratching their patchy stubble insightfully
"The issue is so simple you see,
All you need to do is talk to me!
I am a doctor with a Ph.D.
So get on the bleeding couch,
And begin you bloody discourse of everyday issues."
With that the surgeon slammed me onto the seat
Slapping the restraining straps around my hands and my feet
From there I told how I yearned for tomorrow
When moods are much brighter
And hope remains stronger
But things will always be better tomorrow
For they aren't spoiled by today's trials and sorrows
Maybe then, there won't be a hammering in my head
That being said
The doctor laughs again
1/31/00; 2:13 PM
It once was a desolate wastelandMany and many a year ago
Sometimes thing would grow
But only by stealing from others
Thieving is a profitable sport
Running around the town
Watching people flail and scream
While they are trying to gun you down
People will watch you stealthily glide by
But why do you wish to do this?
Is this wasteland worth the pennies
From that poor lady’s pocket?
I guess no one will ever truly know
But that doesn’t mean you must find out
I can see the land’s scars going deeper and deeper
But all you do is pick the scabs
You agitate the skin again and again
Never showing your face
And trying so quietly to get rich quick
We all know the voices from above
Never wish nor fear
Anything at all
If only you could quit your robbery
But your scarring of the wasteland
Last all night long
1/31/00; 7:09 PM
Brighter stars in the limelight shinethMaybe someday we’ll fell their radiant rays
In time, we will walk in their luminescent glow
And we shall frolic the days away
But in such limelight
The stars shant shine so brightly
Sometimes, they can’t detract us
From our worldly world of colorful lights
And atrocious delusions
We cannot see their ever-pale light
That tells us which way to go
Thus, they cannot help us grow
We choose to not see the distance ahead
But rather, to disdainfully trip our feet in dread
Our eyes focused on the ground below
Not peering once to every child’s dream above
They want us to believe
But we cannot see
So we clumsily clamor off to our demise
We still choose to keep our eyes off the skies
Avoiding the dimly shining light
Stumbling that much closer to a drearier plight
Away! Away is what they say
In an ever strange manner
Away to where?
There is no wretched strife here
We choose not to follow our dream’s directions
We will not be the children to our parents forever
But someday, and it may not be se far away
Our children will emulate our clumsy clamor
And on that same to so faraway day
Those brighter stars will step from the limelight
And away from their shelter
They leave to roam freely
But it will be too late to join them again
For now, everything rest peacefully in quiet
And those brighter stars in the limelight continue to shineth
So please, don’t take your eyes off the skies
2/3/00; 2:28 PM
They all reside in the darkest city to our eyesRunning from the times we left them
Fading away in their disguise
Hiding from the likes of you and me
Who choose not to see
That the darkest city is our own
We are living in a citadel
Of darkness perpetuated by a dismal light
It is this that we remember
And we will remember it
For this is the reason we are torn
But they are used to living here
In the darkness they adore
So what stops us from embracing it?
We are the source of our own evil
That used to scurry from the shadows
And retire to our pockets
So that maybe one day we may finally grasp it
And hold it in our collectively sweaty palms
So now we scurry to the shadows
Shuddering at the odd looks people give us
When we give them odd looks
And run from their troubles
Off to our darkness
Where we all belong
2/5/00; 1:45 PM
I am chained to my own willEntraped, and never to return
It’s a shame that I’m stuck this way
For my will is a pillar of sand
There may only be one link to the chain
But it binds me just the same
Giving me less of a place to go
No matter though
For nowhere is where I was traveling in the first place
My will holds up a larger temple
One that is set in molten stone
So that things can change
And you don’t have to press too hard
But all of the pain comes from the burns and scars
Anything on a foundation of sand
Is left to the will of the wind
All it takes is a slight breeze
And everything will hastily start
Their orderly fall to the ground
The whole lot will fall away
And a new pillar will be built
And from that moment onward
The foundation will erode to nothing more
2/5/00; 1:58 PM
Everyone is so pleased on the outsideSo why must I be sedueced into staying within
Where everything is dull and grim
Will I ever be free with the rest of them?
There is sunshine outside
I can tell by the glow on my whitewashed walls
These things I’ve been staring at for ages
But all they can do is chip and break
While I sit here and rot
Others have escaped this peaceful hellhole
Nothing ever happens here
It must be too tranquil for my own good
For I’m trapped by my thoughts
The same ones that build more whitewash walls
I guess there’s no escape
The time never seems right for me to be free
For things always seem to fall away
And hopes only know how to fall through
My dreams are gone
And every single desire of mine is shot dead
The sun is now setting
And I can’t see their smiling faces anymore
Once again the walls remind me
That in this place, there is no peace to be found
All writings are copyright of Chris Ward 1998-1999