11/29/99; 7:06 AM
I sit on a bench at the bus stopWondering when my ride will come
There’s five minutes left to spare
That is, if the air will spare me that long
My bones are already ten minutes chilled
The man to my right is huddled on the end
Feverishly puffing his cigarette
He shakes with every cough
While his eyes glow with delight
But when his smoke stops spewing forth
He runs to the gutter to renew his stock
The man to my left, the opposite of the opposed
Is truly different in every way
While not exactly intelligent
His glasses make him quite interlectual
For how could a man reading before morning not be smart?
He looks nervously to his right
Seeing me staring at him
But the intellect stares at the addict
First with concern, then with dread
But did the brute make him move down the bench?
Ten minutes pass without much occourence
I’m cold, he’s scared,
And the bum’s consumed in his fumes
But good things come to those who wait
Even if they come too late
11/29/99; 1:08 PM
They were laying in the bedLying to themselves
Wondering how much they loved each other
Compared to everyone else
Sure, they say they’re something more
But that is merely love of words
Which loves to muse the befuddled and muddled
And words are confusing all the time
When everyone confuses them in their mind
They walk the town
Looking as cute as can be
And they hold hands
As they skip down the street
One is content
The other wants more
But neither knows what to ask for
They never question each other
But freely question themselves
But only in front of everyone else
They don’t know what they want
Nor what each other needs
This is indeed not true love
Tell them that and they will frown and turn away
Cuddling and caressing each other
In the most physical way
12/2/99; 1:13 PM
They marched slowly down the streetWith the bleak and unrelenting snow piling upon them
Their story was long, harsh,
And just as unforgiving
It was also left unremembered
No one cared to notice them
They lacked the pretty boy that everybody wanted
And now they’re forgotten
No mark in time
No fancy special parade
Unless you count the one they did back then
They stalked their desire across the countryside
But their only glory was when their mission was over
They found the truth and they despised it
They got what they wanted and didn’t like it
Never were they so disappointed
And again they marched the field
No so slow and ever faster
They only wanted to get home
They forgot the truth
They lost their reason
And ever since their desires left them
Life had been that much darker
12/2/99; 1:54 PM
I weave a spell on the day of the deadTo forgive all of us living for nothing
My incantation is my proclamation
That we have left all the dead laughing
My abjuration will sweep us all off our feet
And our routine will be nothing more
Next time you know
We’ll be laughing at the show that’s everyday
Not pouting and doubting about our next raise
Money gets no one ahead in the greed beyond
For next payday we are dead by greed’s knife’s gleam
Money can just as easily be spent as seen
And even if it’s spent well
The same only last for a while
My conjuration will open eyes by closing others
And keeping us from climbing up the social ladder
Do we wish to fight our troubles out,
Or set our troubles away for the while?
Personally, I’d rather have the latter
My sorcery will be only illusion
And my only hope is to awaken people from their jaded struggle
I only desire to make people live for each other
And not the paycheck from their life’s horrible endeavors
Can you believe they made witchcraft a crime?
12/6/99; 10:25 AM
They ran away and down the hillsThrough the boroughs to never be seen again
Their squarish faces weren’t there to please
And that was something they most certainly weren’t
They were a disheartened bunch
Quite a crazy crop of men
But a very lazy group of men
They didn’t like what they had
So they became blind window shoppers
Running into walls
A loud grunt later and they’d try again
If they could pull themselves off the ground
But the walls stole their composure
Staying as sturdy as could be
Leaving the blundering men
To lead their lives feeling empty
They headed home, but got lost at the junction
There were too many signs to read
And these men, being as lazy as could be
Settled on scattering down the streets
And off to their respective boroughs
They left home and never returned
And they came away the typical holiday shopper
Disgruntledly sifting and shoving through the crowds
Forgetting the seasonal cheer they set after
12/7/99; 4:00 PM
They never wonderedThey never worried
I was the only one who was caught looking
It wasn’t worth it
I did it and I knew it
But a bitter end is that much better
Yet when I was caught I cried
I was trapped in my own emotion
And caught in the wiring that was the lining
Of all of my hopes and desiring
But it was withering with each second
In the beginning we end
And my end isn’t near enough
I am not tough
I can’t take the way I treat me
But that is the only thing I know
It’s not that I didn’t want them to see me
They knew that I slipped and I was falling
They never cared when I was weeping
But all I do now is count the days away
My bitter end will never come by my hands
Only by those who didn’t catch me while I was falling
But I was the one who tripped
12/7/99; 4:36 PM
Damn meI cannot see them wishing they were me
I refuse to see them wishing for my presence
I am blind…God help me for I am blind!
I am a heartless blind man
Who has let his compassion’s passion fall from his fingers
Curse this wretched life
It’s as I make it
And as it is everything is falling
All of the tasks look much more daunting
And trust me, they will never be completed
Only on this account and no other should I be entrusted
My pain is encrusted on my family’s crest
My pain is embedded in my sorrow-laden chest
My curse is that I never will get up
For I never had a chance
But damn me still
Just the same, I’m the wounded duck lying lame
People wish for me
Hope for me
Even depend on me
Even though God disdains it
And I refrain to see that I’m important
Maybe one day on my flower laden grave
There shall be a message that only reads my name
For Christopher Thomas Ward is my only true mark
In my life marred wish demise
And there will be at least one person who walks away
With tear covered eyes
The damned one
12/13/99; 11:03 AM
I am my own best friendI am my own worst enemy
I bite my own ankle
I shoot myself in the feet
And I cower in the corner
As they walk by down the street
I am my delight and demise
For I’m the only one that recognizes their disguise
And they see me much differently as well
They don’t fear me
For they know less
And I’m scared of them
They’re the source of my distress
That keeps me from another night’s rest
I’ll lie in bed tumbling and turning
Wishing I could away myself to somewhere else
If only I could snatch up one of their disguises
Then I could lead my life by my own devices
But the price is too high
And I dare not take the stakes
And onward I blunder rolling out of my bed
Wondering if life could ever be tranquil again
And never again in this life would I dread
If only my mind could be freed from my head
12/13/99; 11:17 AM
The Yule log burns on the open fireThe Yuletide comes sweeping in
The Norse man has the sleeping fever
That has drowned drowsily in his head
He sleeps, he wakes
He nods on the bar and takes a drink
Eggnog, more delight to thrill the man
What a Norse man he is
He’ll drink 7 or 10
Just a few swift gulps later
The Norse man is up with a roar
The Yule log roast upon the open fire
There are no chestnuts at home
Eggnog delights and alcohol stained veins
And all the man must do
Is return to where he stayed
But in the old tradition of Yule
One must sing the Yuletide song
Of bar frogs and bull crap
To the bar’s favorite mule
Norse man doesn’t know woman from beast
He serenades his wife
And gets slapped across the cheek
She storms from the bar
He trips to the table
Ordering 15 more eggnogs
To make the Yule log more able
12/15/99; 11:31 AM
It was raining that day I remember so wellRaining tears, reigning tyranny, raining regret
Yes, it was raining everywhere
And when it rains, it pours
I walked home ever so slowly
And the countryside looked ever so dreary
The dirt road was muddy
And I was weary
The decadence of the deluge had deserted me
For the dream of my walk home was fleeting
The day was ever-impressionable
The king was killed by a sheep flock herder
Who had affairs with the queen
But not everything was exactly how it seemed
I had seen the shepherd before
But the king wasn’t there to listen to me
There was no trial
There was no conviction
A poor man’s crime wasn’t in the court’s jurisdiction
The queen was hanged
After taking the hand
Of a ravenous old dirty poor man
She swayed to and fro
The country fell to the pits below
And I walk through the countryside
Wondering what happened to times before
When light rain was lovely
And I enjoyed my walk home
12/21/99; 7:54 PM
I love the way they say everything’s gonna be okayThat things are fine
And they’re turning out the way they should
They say the world would love to hear from you
But if you walked through their gathering
They’d only love to see you go
They run to you wishing for your good will
Or at least to have their name in it
So they can mooch off you when you’re gone
Then they’d love to see you go
So they could call their lawyers
And get on with the show
Everything is cool they say in a calm collected manner
As they shiver their body fat to the floor
And in a world where everything is going from fast to faster
Everyone forgets what “it” is
And runs off to the great pay-check giver
What “it” was was forgotten
In the mad dash for the perfect gift
Insanity ensued in the search for showing mass affection
And friendly times were pummeled with mass aggression
Maybe someday everything will be okay
But for now anyhow, love’s taken a short vacation
12/21/99; 8:10 PM
Fresh leaves crumble under tiny feetAnd suddenly, fall’s failure of living sets in
It is a time where much of life wants to sleep
But moaps around with its head swaying very low
The tiny feet don’t give up
They thump, they thrash
They tear the dying leaves apart
The little boy laughs in glee
As the crunching sounds make him dance faster
He’d dance all day if he had no bedtime
And if he wasn’t afraid of the dark
But his deeds are stark and ghastly enough
It’s better off that he’s in bed by ten
The boy notices the leaves are tearing
Suddenly he sullenly crouches to see them
For a moment, he is in awe of one of natures dying beauties
That is the fallen leaf before him
It sets in
His romping and stomping decapitated many leaves
And now they fly estrunley about
One shard hits the boy’s eye
Its revenge had, the speck laughs loudly and dies
They boy begins to tear, whine, and cry
Seeing that nature had thwarted his good time
But the burning in his eye brings out the beast in his heart
And he performs the killing dance that much faster
12/21/99; 8:20 PM
The water gleams forever brightlyAnd it cascades on the rolling rocks
The birds sing their merry tunes
And reply to the water’s quaint hello
They both wish they could’ve talked longer
But the water had to go
The sun shined on the water below
The water loved when it did that
Helios is a fellow Poseidon rarely speaks to
But when they do
Their talks can last for hours
This is another such instance
As a cloud begins its ascension to the heavens
Funny how a fog can look so ominous one morning
And become so beautiful the day after
The birds chat with the cloud on its voyage to the sun
They discuss how things are going
And what needs to be done
But tea time never last forever
Later that day they parted their ways
For the cloud had finished its business with the sun
And it returned to the river in gentle spring drizzle
12/27/99; 11:27 PM
They were lost at sea for three weeksNo friends, no family, no home
Only each other for them to hold
And they refused to do so
Working together is tough
When one doesn’t comply with the demands
Of the situation at hand
Go home or go west
It’s times like these that could be the best
New adventures at sea
But running away leads to many roadblocks
Many of which are rough
Their strength was their weakness
They were too proud of themselves to need each other
And when ominous clouds come barreling towards them
They had no thought to help each other
They never thought about the tempest
As wave after wave struck their ship
And the sea swallowed all they owned
For while separately acting on their pride
Together, they let a storm destroy their way home
12/27/99; 11:55 PM
The shadow stared at me coldlyI was shivering, being exposed to the mirror
My shadow was frail, old, toiled, and worn
Could anything be so closer to collapsing?
I raised my right hand
It raised it’s left
And we toasted each other
For meeting during times of such shit
Was the shadow the other me?
Had it seen what I so carefully chose to not decree?
And then I stood exposed in the mirror
As we drink our water
And stand wondering what will become of us
Oh, what a horrible taste
But truth is usually that way
No matter how surprising it may be
For not all new things taste so sweet
The shadow began to crumble
Its painful goodbye was all I could stand
It stepped back into the mirror
And waves it’s left hand again
I swallowed the liquid and smirked
As my shadow fades from the mirror
The truth in tow, I turned to go
With a shadowy future following me
12/31/99; 7:30 PM
Father, why must these times go so fast?Why must you run around all day,
And not let these times last?
Is it your need for vengeance?
Is it your need for speed?
What need is there
For you to need to leave me here
Have fun and leave me all alone
Things will be great while I’m the one left home
These are the things we need
These are the times that bind
And we bide our time
Saying goodbye
A quick and faint wisp later
Father is gone
Again, off to some faraway land
He will have fun
Even if it’s without his sons and daughters
For we are the only ones who are graying
I check my watch
And think of father running away
As he’s coming to meet me
Yet going further down the way
12/31/99; 7:49 PM
The sheets are getting warmer and warmerAs my skin is crawling
Getting colder and colder
Than the fleas begin to advance
Crawling hastily up my back
And all I can do is swat them away
I spin forever in a trance
Standing there
Watching the moments pass
And many merry thoughts mingle in front of my face
My dreams manifestation begins to make haste
And I begin to make chase
With my hands grasping cold winter air
The sheets are hot as the tumble about
Searing with a semi-greenish glow
As my fingers begin to wonder where to go
For the fanciful dreams have hastily run off
I stiffen as the fleas crawl in my head
A moment later my dreads are long gone
But not gone for very long
There will be a few others to see them
I stare at the ceiling as the fleas crawl from my eyes
And there I was looking ever so surprised
For I met a yeomen who hasn’t visited in the longest of times
Then, I knew everything was all right
1/1/00; 2:23 PM
I had reached the top of the mountainAnd looked down upon the hills
They were as small as they said they would be
At last, my troubles were behind me
At last, peace and quiet surrounded me
The storm below looked so tranquil from above
This must’ve been my new home
A gentle spring rain cascaded the countryside
As the flowers were invited to bloom
And the winds began to dance to spring’s gentle boon
The angry speeders appeared to be going so slow
And my smile began to grow
As I realized that the shouting and curing
Of mid-morning driving
Was that much further away
I turned about and began to stare
And saw only a few beams of the sun pelting the land
Almost like the heavens were trying to grasp
What once was and may still be rightfully theirs
But why would the heavens want the festering problems below?
It’s eternal bliss enough for an angel?
Or do they need a dose of reality to keep them there,
Up in heaven, where eternity is theirs
Could heaven not be perfect after all?
How could such a pretty place high in the sky
Even be infringed upon
By many and many a human lie?
As I wondered why angels act so wickedly
I heard a panting come up the mountain
My peace, which was already quivering
Was broken very quickly
One who runs so hastily
For the entirety of such a long and tumultuous journey
With his voice shaking
From such haste making
He couldn’t have come to tell of good fortune
I had traveled all this way to escape my trouble
But I guess I’ll never see the day when my troubles stay away
I am beginning to see heaven’s imperfection
I guess it’s the same old story after all
I take one step forward and begin to fall
1/2/00; 9:51 PM
There are people out thereBut I scream into the nothing anyway
Wondering if anyone is there to listen
To my multitude of pleas
Of just to what I have to say
I see the empty mist before me
Nothing there
Tells me of nothings done
Because nothing was going on
Is it all nothing?
I don’t mean nothing about anything
Except for the something that I do
But could all my efforts be wasted
By the something that is the nothing that surrounds me?
Is there really anybody out there
That can understand my pain,
Or see things from my eye level?
Maybe even just looks me in the eye?
Yes, there are many people out there
But are they as alone as I am?
Do they see me for who I am,
Or for the nothing that surrounds me?
1/2/00; 9:59 PM
If she could speak to meI would show her how much I cared
I’d be there for her
And tell her just what I meant to say
No, I had to keep my lips shut
Purging my feelings
Keeping them all in
I wouldn’t show the anger
I wouldn’t show the joy
I would just tell of how I felt at the time
I must be honest
I lie to myself when I lie to someone else
Oh, how I’ve committed that crime too many times
I’m sorry if I’ve done anything wrong
Hurt you in some horrid way
Or had poor taste in writing this song
But I am bleeding
And my veins are the buckets of my blood
That bleeds eternally on the inside
They come for me now
They’ve come to summon me away
Maybe things will be better on a new day
But during the next times of dire trouble
I’ll remember to show I care, okay?
1/2/00; 10:10 PM
Let them rest in pieces nowLet their ashes burn my chest
I will breathe in their torched carcasses
Their job may be done
But mine has just begun
Maybe I’ll just run away when I’m done
Or follow my will when the want comes
I’ll watch the scribblings on the wall
Begin to take shape
Then I’d erase them all
And begin to write again
Oh, the drunken high of murder
The scent of salty blood is sensational
I love the taste
I love the knife’s grace
But my favorite part is the look on their face
When your job is done
Maybe the pain will all go away when it’s over
Then I can go home
Kiss my wife and three kids
And return to my job at the button factory
Then my life will begin to take shape again
But while my bloody hands show my guilt
I feel as innocent as a lamb
1/2/00; 10:19 PM
I wilted that dayI saw my reflection and turned away
And when the reporters asked if I had something to say
There was nothing I could tell them
I crashed and burned
Is that all I’m good at?
Two terms later and that’s that?!?
I wouldn’t stand up for it
Not with my power taken away
So I progressed in the lonely torture
Strangled what I only had to grasp
And began to stagger down the way
I am caught in defeat
And I need to eat
What could I have for my final dinner?
Could I be buried in a quiet place
Away from all of these pad people
But not near the empty space
That seems to lay vacant in my heart?
The final petal fell off the flower
And it blew forever in the wind
Until it glided gently to the floor
And ever so slowly
The pain set in
1/2/00; 10:28 PM
I am the frenzyI am your bright shining light
I may not be your last hope
But I’m your only one for now
Of course you may not like me
But my name is not Pandora
So you better not start labeling me as such
I am not be the twelve evils
Even though I’ve committed eight of the deadly sins
But I am the light
Even if it shines through a murky background
I may not be perfect
But I am your only one
You won’t listen to me though
To all of my questions your only response is no
Where is the bathroom?, NO!
Which way to the show?, NO!
What happened to all of the love
That someone said would be raining down today?
I am the ultimate bastard
For no one cares about what I do
So I will have no one to return to
I am in the frenzy
And I’ll feed forever in the murk
That is, until I can find something of worth
All writings are copyright of Chris Ward 1998-1999