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Not Now nor Never
Break
All You Can Eat
Saving Grace
Mass Hysteria
What is that Smell?
Burning Breast
Reflecting
Versus
Grilled Chops
Hiding Under Rocks
Talk to Strangers
Dirty Untouchable
Leftheadedness
Last Encounter
Empty Toybox
The Ward
Blindfold
Common Man
Life After Death
Portrait
It
Spelling List
Seed
Departing
Not Now nor Never
9/3/99; 2:19 PM
The vial across my face
Hides the scars of my disgrace
Of the time I was defaced
A time so long ago
Wash the stone
Its chiseled statue yet recovered
Right now just a block in the mountain
Again I try
But today is just not the time
My work tries to make due
But it complains in disdain
"I'm tired."
The block will be there tomorrow
My life's mission one day delayed
I can try later
But the face won't change
Stone doesn't run for it's quite tame
Sure, time will tick
Water will wash the rock
And soon it will be gone
But what difference does a short time make?
These things last eternity don't they?
If time didn't run you yesterday.
Break
9/6/99; 10:16 PM
Forever and then some
I wait, the winds whipping
Through the flags, across my face
I'm looking down the mountain
Recalling my sojourn up the hill
With all the burdens that I carried
I drug them half the way
I watched many sunsets in the valley
Many moonrises too
Of this I do once again
A sudden gust pushes me to stop
With day's final breath
I camp, but light no fire
I have trail mix to feed my mouth
And the stars to warm my bones
Resting them under a silver oak
And everything looks silver
The wishful moon never blinking
Reminding me everything is here
Watching me with a smile
The one it's kept for years
I better be keeping one too
The mountain is growing higher by the minute
Promising more challenge in future days
All you can Eat
9/6/99; 10:31 PM
Greetings sir and welcome
Well come on sir come in!
Don't look so scared
They won't bite
They were hoping you'd come
And don't they taste good?
Yes! Have a few!
Take them to your room
And when you're done come for more
They will be waiting
Yes, they're so hot, soft, and tender
They ooze at your leisure
Don't just taste them
Take them all
You don't know who long they've been waiting
So please do enjoy them
Not to mention
That's why our establishment's here
Delivering the sauciest succulent delights
They're only here to please
Or that's how we like to see it any way
At Ned's Seafood Buffet
Saving Grace
9/7/99; 7:19 AM
Was I wrong to do the right thing
To save this madman from his moment of fate?
After he shot five men
I took the bullet for his sake
I mistook the man
I thought he police were mistaken
Thanking the victimizer for the victim
I did something most would call out of the question
Now people call me a crazy fool
And an alibi
No! I didn't help the man!
I was just going to the store for baked bread
I had 14 character witnesses
Too bad they're all dead
Why did I do such a thing
Finally, an opportunity for a gallant deed
I thought I could save a life
From wrongful fate running through him
But his fate crossed with me
I'm in the hospital now
A man on life support
Charged with a genocide conspiracy
If only I knew my wife had already been to the store
Mass Hysteria
9/8/99; 6:54 AM
Red eyes looking straight at me
Piercing my soul
Heating my bones
My spirit becomes restless
It only wants to kill
I stop back and run
Those eyes scared me
My blood is still boiling
My spirit thirsty for more
I have no worries now
Just a bad case of nausea
It didn't come about from a bug
The smell of blood makes one sick
Even a bloodthirsty one like me
Maybe I shouldn't have killed twenty-three
It's over now
And I feel the power
It's rushing through me
I want more blood
Because I've been denied the things
I dream of
I look in the mirror
Red eyes looking straight at me
Making me hungry again
What is the Smell?
9/7/99; 7:15 AM
More disturbing matters
Fecal matter is running from my pen
And even if it smells bad
It's coming in some presentable manner
Days so long ago
Are so similar to today somehow
Odd how life runs in circles
Like dogs chasing their tails
But at least dogs enjoy themselves
But that's a candy-coated outlook
At a deranged situation
More shit runs from my pen
I better do something with it
Days so long ago
I wish for them not to knock at my door
Doesn't matter though
Someone let them in
But the brown smelly goo
Isn't only coming from my pen
It's coming from other people all around
Who really don't want it
So they funnel it down my throat
I don't resist
I can't resist
I won't resist
Maybe in the future we will learn there are toilets
Burning Breast
9/8/99; 9:03 AM
I am stuck in the arctic room
And the only warmth I feel is my chest
A nice burning feeling that keeps me going
Making me remember what I left
Forcing me forward
But I am chained to a pole
Like a sick Doberman
That was biting too often
This is my fate
My legs gave out a week ago
As for my crutch?
Ha! My saving grace left me long ago
I'd crawl on all fours if I could
Too bad I only have two limbs
I can't afford a wheelchair
And I don't want to freeze
But no one wants to see me
Not even myself
So I've locked myself in this cold room
Keeping myself out
But letting everything in
Reflecting
9/8/99; 7:33 PM
Wonderfully wondrous in many a way
I sing a tale of those I abode
In these lands I once called home
But was driven from by insolence
On the morning I left home there were few to greet me
Fewer still to send me off
One wept, one cried,
One even said goodbye
Yet they say that when I went away
The sun was over my head like a halo
I left, and by some was quickly forgotten
Others quietly wondered why I departed
Or if I would return
Or if I even should.
But I was hardly missed
Life was still busy after I left
Everyone still trying to attain the big three
Money, love, and faith
They all looked around the town for them
Not even in the gutters did it lay
Then one day a boy named Paul found a book
The cover, barley attached, said Reflecting
The boy was curious and told his parents
But no one wanted the memory
They knew what it was to look to the past
And they knew their past was bleak
But they knew their future was bleaker still
And they didn't like where the book might lead them
So the curios boy brought the book to school
No one there understood it a bit
Was it the sloppy manuscript? The big words?
Or was it the deeper meanings?
Paul was a frustrated child now
His failures made him sad
This made his parents queer and worrisome
The courts ruled the book made Paul lonesome
And that he would have to discard it to stay
But the captivated child had too many questions
Their insolence drove him away
Versus
9/10/99; 11:00 AM
Don't let go, it's not time to leave
Escape isn't the only way out
Go, charge very far
You may run thought the window
But at least not through the door
You fret for all the things you fix
You trouble yourself for not being in the mix
And you order worry, trouble
And wonder for yourself
Self pity is what you like
For no one else
Sure, be a compassionate soul
Help the troubled
Beloved the bold
And bring kind deeds keenly
Right where they're needed
But please be kind to yourself
Yes my lord
I want to go home
Away today from yesterdays disdain
And the stories that follow
For slipping in what pigs wallow in
But my name is encased and encrusted
Grilled Chops
9/13/99; 10:28 AM
Many travelers trickling many ways
Shoving through the paths before them
Never remembering where they came to
Or where they came from
Or if they'll go away
The sun was setting on their forgotten heads
The cleavers ax was for them
And quite a bounty did they cast
A sun fit for a king
Make money and kill the killer
So you got that $5 million reward?
What will you spend it on now,
Your car, your tuition,
Your grandmother's kitchen?
No, you'll be spending it on your funeral
We will get you tonight
We are gladly obliging our obligation
We will avenge their death
Our friends recently off the executioner's block
Enjoy your wealth while you can
Your head will be next
Hiding Under Rocks
9/13/99; 10:39 AM
Shoes, they sit in the corner
The leather turning a putrid green
Maybe the little gnomes left a present
But it's probably more than it seems
Like what's on the table above the shoes
A layer of dust I've never seen before
Invades my privacy again and again
Piercing my nostrils
Making my eyes sink in
Until I sneeze
Now how could such a lovely body
Hold something so disgusting?
Goes to show we all hold secrets
And we hide under rocks
Not letting the bad stuff seep out
Until we force ourselves
Much like that sneeze
Wherein we hold back
The truth kills anyone
Talk to Strangers
9/13/99; 11:36 AM
A ludicrous man asked me as I walked down the street
If I had a nickel
It was obvious he needed something to eat
With shredded clothes
And a shaking hand extended
I lifted him us and took him to the show
And there I met a nice guy
He wondered why I had a beggar with me
I told him,
"Sir, if you please will you please sit down?
I'll let you look here as I show the man around
It was never the same for me my friends
I've never been so cold in an ally
A holey jacket warming my veins
I'm getting him something to eat any ways."
"That's all right." He replied
No pleasantries exchanged
From the man to my friend
I don't know why, but the poor guy couldn't look at him
I led him through the show
And to a nice market-like store
The barter was cheap
And the fare was right
The beggar man said thanks
And offered his hand in delight
I took it and shook it wholeheartedly
Amazed I was when the man just stared at me
He looked deathly pale
His skin was cold
I knew what happened
And I couldn't take it anymore
A man froze to death in my hand!
It's a strange feeling
Doing all the nice things
All the right stuff for just the right reasons
The poor soul was put down
But at least out of his misery
Adorning his holey jacket
But smiling brightly
Dirty Untouchable
9/14/99; 7:09 AM
I throw my last coin down the well
Wishing for all things that are good
And some that are bad
But is it worth a quarter, dime, and nickel?
I'm no longer dirt poor
But I'm as broke as it
Not just in the wallet
But in a few other places as well
I walk through the fires
Only wishing I was in hell
Then again I am there
Prove me why I should be wrong please
I don't want to be condemned already
People can be so inconsiderate
So inconsistent and volatile
People take what they get and want more
Take applause with salt
The world might be theirs
But it's not what they asked for
Leftheadedness
9/14/99; 5:10 PM
A bomb, ticking in my head
Tick tock tick tock tick tick tick tick
Every little vibration
And my mind swells to the left
Forgetting about escape
Voices screaming, wanting me to leave
My dreams, my hopes
They remind me there should be none such pleasures
Work is better
Productivity is bliss
What do you know
I'm being productive
But the left side swells more
It wants logic, it wants reason
But I threw those out the window
A long time ago in fact
I gave up on those tools
They clouded my view
And now the left side is starving
Dreams, hopes, all waste of time
My brain wants to be fed
But only the right side is getting nourished
Tick tock tick tock tick tick tick tick
My heart stops at the final sound
And my left side seeps out
Last Encounter
9/14/99; 5:46 PM
I know you wanted things to be different
Sure, I was late
Indeed, I forgot the date
But please don't leave me like this
I know what you mean
Yes, it is shinny
Very beautiful in fact
Wasn't it such a lovely present?
But why did you bring it here?
Sure, we may have our quarrels
We may have some bad times
Harsh feelings
But its presence isn't necessary
Oh, so it's for symbolism!
I gave it to you for your 17th birthday
But we weren't that close then
No, I didn't mean to offend you
My words weren't bitter
I want us to still be friends
Please, don't show me that present here!
Please do it because I'm annoying
Please do it because you're sad
But please don't shoot me because I am who I am
Empty Toybox
9/15/99; 2:11 PM
Pain, it's there and we can't hear it
We forgot how to listen
And now doom as descended upon us
Death, the toil of our breaths
And it is sped as we breathe faster
Every time we fear
And other times when we expire
The end is only coming closer
But why die by natural causes
When you can die by natural means
Like lightning striking someone
Or being knocked over by a tree
And what have we done to deserve this?
Were we mad, poor, and neglectful
No one understands why we deserve this
Except me, but I knew we had it coming
The lifeline was cut off quickly
My time had come
But I wasn't done
Everything left scattered
Cast all across the floor
What a mess I'll never clean
The Ward
9/17/99; 10:01 AM
Misconceptions plague my face
Pave the way to worse disgrace
Never before have I felt alone
Home may be where the heart is
But it's not where I should go
On conditions…
Of this that these those and do it now!
Too many things at once
And when the blackjack isn't cracking
It makes me their slave
"Never again!" I yell
my bondage may be broken
butt the shrapnel binds me
not to their orders to do their will
but my orders to have them grilled
maybe it will be slow and painful
just as long as they are quiet
and those be my conditions
A hypocrite to end the hipocracy
An autocrat to end the aristocracy
They say it takes one to know one
And to know is to realize
When something is too much for something else
And something will end its ways
Returning it all to a normal day
Blindfold
9/21/99; 7:13 AM
It would be too much for anyone
Even me but it's what I bear
The mark of the dead
A red slash for the sad
All for the blood I drew
I didn't mean to do it
I didn't kill the man
I just dropped the gun
I am so sorry
For all the pain I've caused
Innocent ones
Are still happy till circumstance
Says that they aren't who they are
But until the time of his life's freedom
A black shroud sheathes the sky
Daytime's light is bright
But it can't make it through the walls
And my eyes are blind
My mind can't wait for freedom
But I'm chained away
And forgetting the freedom outside
Common Man
9/23/99; 8:17 AM
The sky, a blue bedspread over my eyes
And the clouds, the paths to my dreams
But I roll restlessly in bed
Wondering if anyone will find me
They keep me from the sight
I shouldn't know what to do
For they say I have nothing in common
With the common man
He walks the streets at a ready steady pace
I either mope merrily
Or travel wrongly with glee
I have no general direction
The signs were taken from the streets
So while I wander aimlessly through life
Common man remembered to keep a map
Where I wandered was woeful
I fell into sewers
I tripped over twigs
I ventured through the wrong side of town
Maybe anyhow
Do I really know where I am?
While once sitting huddled on a street corner
Common man crossed my path
But quickly hurried off
I stank of rank sewage
Glaring discourteously in the man's direction
And that was too much for him to bear
Life After Death
9/23/99; 9:55 AM
the mist fall sheepishly outside
they wish to avoid the grave
they hope that the air will suck them in
but the ground is more wanting
And takes them first
They can't avoid the grave
No one can
I believe my condemnation comes soon
For as I think of all the facts of life
I'm starring at the graveyard across the street
Skeletons, odd, old, and moldy
All types are allowed there
Just pay you $150 for a plot of land
And you can join them in eternal sleep
At the hangout of the dead
Sure, some have huge tombs
Some have smaller ones
But does the size of it really matter?
Do you live your life to get a big rock on your head,
And sleep with a giant stone crushing your brain?
That's not my lot in life
Portrait
9/27/99; 7:15 AM
I paint a picture
Of what I can't see
Not of what the trees block
The sky would be too easy
My aspiration
Should I choose to accept it
Is to paint with my power within
And to decipher what others hold in
Their ideas they keep from the light
I could paint a beast or two
Creatures of fantasy are fun
But such games don't belong in art
I see where they don't see
And I see where they keep me
I could beat them into submission
But I'll beat them with my brush
Then they may see what they do
Maybe they'll stop
But probably not
They won't know the sight before them
They will see it with their eyes
But be blind with their mind
Then I will have to paint again
It
9/27/99; 5:02 PM
It lays on the ground
Alone in solitude
Thumping, beating
It shows signs of life
But nothing is coming out
If things can't get much better
Than they'll probably get worse
The same is true in all walks of life
Even for the wayward souls
They come and go as they will it
But never as they please
Whisping through the windows
Leaving by the back door
Their only call for attention
Is to never be seen at all
It still lays on the ground
No one pays attention
It's thumps are too quiet
And no one knows it's there
But nothing is coming out
Nothing of worth
Not even the truth
Spelling List
9/28/99; 8:49 AM
The glass vase fell gracefully from the sky
And fell ruthlessly to the floor
It scattered into 50 different directions
It will scatter into 50 more
And will there be a janitor to sweep it up,
Or will some child have to cut his hand?
And rather than being consoled by his mother
He gets bitched at by his dad
What a bad day the boy had
It wasn't his fault someone wasn't doing his job
Be it the janitor's lack of cleaning
Or his dad's lack of care
He didn't even take the boy to the doctor
"Such stupidity shouldn't be helped by one of those" he said
With that he pulled off his belt
One belt, five lashings, bare bleeding butt
Injury to injury
And injustice included in this package
It's one thing not to care
But another entirely to impose one's will
So the boy laid down
Whimpering, wearing his blood stained jeans
But the pain was nothing in comparison
To the horror his dad brought to him
Calling the boy a tiny disgrace
Seed
10/2/99; 3:37 PM
It shines brightly in the sky
Sets twice
Rises once
Then packs it's bags and goes home
Its drive is it's youth
And it would go farther if it could
Even if all others said no
It would show the world how to see
It would show the world what it could be
If only it let itself go
Then it would finally grow
And there was never a time
When it always doubted its mind
Which direction it should to take
To uphold goodness' grace
Or rather, to do what they tell it
It's now ready and waiting
Burrowed deep within its homeland
Only there does it feel safe
But where sanctuary brings sanctity
It also breeds ignorance
So it must be well fed
Then, it will finally grow
Departing
10/3/99; 9:42 PM
I'm not as free as I used to be
The realism's ringing through my mind
And though the time I spent was nice
I didn't spend it to its fullest
But hindsight tells me that it was great
And now it's gone
Left forever, the time has flown by
And if there was another time
Where the word ever could mean something
I would grip it to it's last
But not squeeze the life from it
Only give it a gentle smile
But the time has past
They blink, I blink back
We stare at each other
One is sad
And that makes the other cry
Sure, he may cry all the time
But loneliness is not a drug to like
Much less to have
Sure, I could jump from train to train
Play that game
Everything would be okay in the end
But, I walked away
Calm, and in a dreary state of disregard
For my own regards
The ones of others be too important to me
But being selfless and kind
Can only bring a footprint on your forehead
In this tragic world
It's a scar everyone bears
Walk from those train tracks
And back to your cottage nestled on the hill
Solitary amongst the trees
Some would say, anyway
But can you discern the wood trim in the winter
Where everything is cold and bare
Up there, amongst the deadness of the world
Where I am…
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All writings are copyright of Chris Ward 1998-1999