C'est la Vie

Entry 11 - 8/20/99

Greetings...why did I just say that? Oh well, I guess I just felt like talking, something I havn't done that much of lately. Something has been nagging at me and making me feel bad, but I'm not quite sure what it is.

I have been rather tired and really stressed out this week. I have just been feeling very lonely ever since I dropped out of IB because the majority of my classes are boring and are filled with few people I know. And of those few people I know, I don't want to talk with hardly any of them. I get very bothered when I'm lonely. I have a very hard time meeting new people because I don't feel like talking to them. It's strange, maybe they want to talk to me, but I don't feel like I can talk to them. I guess it can be atributed to my childhood.

Then there is the fact that everyone around me seems to be having a grand old time, happily seeing all of their friends again. I havn't had a wonderful time, as a matter of fact, its been rather bad. I'm just not good at havning a good time, so why should I have one at school?

I could wallow in this sadness for a good while. Yesterday, I went on a walk to get my mind off of it. It worked for a time, that is until I started getting closer to the house again. Then all of my problems started to resurface in my mind. That is one of my huge difficiencies, all of my problems are in my head. They are probably pointless to worry about, but I do anyways and speculate about them too.

This first week of school has not been good at all. I just hope things turn out better in the weeks to come. If they don't then I will get stressed. If I get stressed then my grades go down. If my grades go down then my parents get angry. When my parents get angry...

Entry 12 - 8/21/99

Wow, it's 2 AM, my eyes are on fire, and for some reason I'm typing this. I guess its just because of the experience I had tonight.

I was at the Panther's game today (yesterday now) and had lots of fun, for the most part. I was a little angry at my dad for showing up for the game 45 minutes late becuase he had been to a party (and we all know what happened there).

But the best part of all was the rain. Charlotte probably got revived from a good bit of it's moderatly severe drought. But when I saw it start to rain across the stadium, I got excited. And while others were struggling to get in their ponchos, I was awaiting that rain to hit in euphoria. And it felt good, except for the really large raindrop that hit me in the eye.

It felt wonderful, seeing myself able to enjoy the rain. All of the people in the lower section had ran inside, and most of the others too. We all kicked and threw water down into their section so that the bottom two rows were flooded due to a bad drainage system. I had lots of fun at the game, even though I lost my voice before halftime.

Entry 13 - 8/22/99

Just got back from a very not fun trip to the mountains to visit my granmother for her birthday. It was long, boring, and it outright sucked. All we did was go to a park and eat and talk.

Actually, there was one redeeming value to the whole experience. I had a good talk with my Uncle Bob, who is a writer and an actor for a living. Mom and dad told him to tell me to just write on the side for a living. However, he told me that I should just go all out, and even if I have very little money to support myself, if it's what I enjoy, I should do it. I agree totaly.

The ride home was hellacios. All mom and dad did was fight and get lost in the middle of nowhere. Dad didn't want to leave, even though mom and I were getting bored out of minds, becuase he just wanted to talk to his folks and make mom and I angry. Half of the ride home was spent with him constantly making his stupid laugh and him purposly making us angry (that seems to be the only thing he's good at). I ended up getting home at around 12:30 AM

And now lets talk about phone service and why Charlotte NC is truely the biggest small town in America. Our phones went out while we were gone, probably during the storm. Dad calls the phone company this morning (Sunday) and they say "No, we can't fix your phone today becuase it's Sunday, and we don't work on Sunday". That is just outright stupid, what if one of us needed to call 911 for something? This is our phone! And we shouldn't be paying them $200 a month just to give us this BS.

And somehow, I'm still able to go on-line and be able to update my page. The wonders will never cease.

Entry 14 - 8/24/99

School, a wonderful institution/abomination. If they say it is only as good as you make it than I'm in trouble. I haven't talked that much during school outside of answering questions and correcting teachers answers. I may say that school is lonely, but truthfully, I'm making it lonely on myself.

By the by, some comments I have recieved about my page..."Hey man! You haven't updated your page in a while!", some guy who I never gave this link to. "Chris, your putting writings up too fast. I can't keep up.", worry not, I have almost caught up with present day. "I would have something to think of you page if there was anything on it worth thinking of.", Asshole Sirokey. Oops, did I say his name wrong? Nope, guess not.

The papagraph above only shows that I don't feel like talking too much about anything. That is one of my main problems latley, I've forgotten how to talk. I guess all the little traumas are comeing back into my mind. Hope I don't have too many more emotional breakdowns, people have a tendancy to have fun laughing at that. But I have only been able to talk well with a few people. Outside of school, I talk to Desi a lot (quite frankly, she gives me most of the worthwhile conversation I have each day. Not to say that she is the only one though.).

At home nothing is going on. Marie (my sister) and Anthony (my brother in law), just left today, so once again I can have my dear sweet privacy when I get home. Mom and dad do nothing but want to know if I have done my homework, then wonder why my room isn't clean. Home is very lonely. I have indeed forgotten how to relate with people, even though they don't seem to want to relate to me. That is probably in my mind thouhg. All in all though, things are starting to look down again, as usual.

Entry 14 question to the reader: How much have you learned about me from this secion/page. Do e-mail me and tell me, or not.

Entry 15 - 8/26/99

I'm crazy, this is crazy, the whole world looks crazy to me. Yep, I'm just toys in the attic I'm so crazy. Yay! I am dead tired too from dehydrating in gym (what else are you supposed to do).

How did this insanity start again? Quite simply actually. I was bored so I started to type something that I am going to finish and put up in a few day, My Childhood. You can only guess what that made me remember. I wasn't doing so well for the rest of the day.

School is getting better, even though it still is quite boring. I tell my parents that and they tell me "Well you shouldn't have dropped out of IB then, this is too easy for you." They will never know my true reasons for dropping out, and if they did they would both be in denial. Why did I...sanity! Look at me now...;-)

And my dad is doing a lot of getting mom upset and me mad, but what else is new?

Entry 16 - 8/27/99

Time and time again I stare at the wall, but the clock has only moved a minute.

Finally, another week is over at school. Now I can sit back and relax for the weekend, sort of. My parents want me to work on my room, and my teacher want me to work on my homework. Maybe I'll work on something I want to, if I knew what I wanted. So little time, so little to do.

Now that reminds me of what happened a few days ago. After my parents support me dropping out of IB, they suddenly tell me that I should go back in because I said school was so "boring". They did get a little upset. When they realized that I was so bored at home, they wanted me to do nothing but chores around the house (and the occasional homework).

I'm glad this week is over, but I'm much more glad that it went by a lot faster. Maybe I am getting used to school after all. I have met a few people...

Entry 17 - 8/28/99

My life...where is it going...where will it be...I don't know. I don't think I want to know either.

My life is taking a very heart wrenching twist. I had trouble sleeping last night, and I'm sure I'll have trouble sleeping tonight and tomorrow too. I choose not to talk about it here yet because (a)I'd rather talk about it when its getting closer to concluding, and (b)This is not the place to talk about it at the moment. If you really want to know, it's a rather emotional crisis.

What else is going on? Not that much truely. I've been going around running errands and cleaning my room. I had a good time talking with my parents today. Suddenly, they are supporting my writings, which is really wierd. I guess they really don't want to see me go, or they just want to know what is going on in my head.

I guess the latest occourences really have gotten to my parents head. I am probably too critical of them, but the downs are really down. I'm a little immature for my age any way. Oh well...all I can hope is that life can settle itself down soon.

Entry 18 - 8/30/99

I would like to start off (and thus I am) by giving everyone I know an apology, which is something I feel I need to do. To some of my closer, more longstanding friends, I'm sorry because I've kind of shunned you lately, I hope I can make up the time someday. To my parents, I have been way too hard on you for a lot of my life. It's time I forgave you for the past and move on with my life. To my pet rock Rocky, I'm sorry I dropped you. I hope you can forgive me, I believe I am moving on with life, just like the way you told me I should all those months ago. To Desi, I have thought some pretty mean things to you lately, and I haven't quite been as nice to you as I should have recently. And also to myself (of course). Maybe someday I'll stop beating myself up so much.

Curious as to why I did that? I just felt like I should. I have been through a relationship crisis recently and now it's over. Desi and I are still friends though (I hope). I have realized many things since then, and they pounded my brain rather hard. I have a little piece of mind though.

And if you want a small portion of what was going on in my head during this time, read from My Crutch all the way to the end of August. That is all for today kiddies.

Entry 19 - 9/1/99

Must have sleep...need more sleep...haven't gotten any sleep all week. Now doesn't that just suck. Think about it, you're supposed to be having a great awakening, and you're sleeping through it? Oh well.

I have realized something though that I never have before. There are many people who really care about me. Wierd huh? I guess kindness does bring kindness in return. I have learned many things since "the breakup". Well, it all hasn't been good, and it hasn't all been a cakewalk either. Sometimes I think about it and get sad, but time heals...sometimes.

School is hard in an easy kind of way. It does get boring, but I know I need to take it more seriously. I am really just typing to fill up space right now so I ought to stop.

Entry 20 - 9/2/99

Something interesting happpened on the way back from school...but unfortunantly I forgot what it was. Something always does and now I am too consumed with something else to remember.

Actually, there are a few things on my mind. One thing is class rings. I never thought I'd be so excieted about them, but then again, I've never gotten anything that nice (materialisticly any way) in my life. Another thing on my mind is the very bried conversation I had with Desi today. To put it one way, I wasn't suprised at all. She still doesn't fell comfortable (doesn't want to) talk to me. It was a step though since our seperation, I hadn't talked to her for over four days since then. I don't think she's taking it too well, but just let me be the one to become the jackass.

Also, I get to spend my Labor Day weekend out of town. This should be a fun trip. Oh well, maybe I'll have a little more free time next weekend. In the meantime, I will be doing work...like I should be right now trying to write a paper on Sarah Jane Parker.

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