2/8/00; 2:04 PM
It was her favoriteAnd she always protected it
Holding it softly near her chest
And she never let it go
Until the day she chose to share it
That day I saw her holding her prize
She smiled as I approached
And all I did was wonder why
She approached me slowly
Unclasping her hands from what she wished to show me
It was indeed beautiful
It shone brightly in the right light
And there was a glitter about it
Did it shine from the smile about her?
Probably,
But I was all the more surprised
When she handed it to me
It was ever so warm
But my hand’s were beginning to turn cold
Some odd chill that I had never felt before
Her favorite prize fell from my hand
And began it’s plummet to the ground below
I gasped
And she shoot her head
But it landed softly in the grass
2/9/00; 3:17 PM
It was shaking very vigorouslyAlmost violently actually
But it was broken by the silence
I remember that time well
Everything all around was falling
Leading us to deeper ground
Away to a land we never wished to go
Our destination was out of sight
And now is the moment when we depart
Yet thing were so happy all about
Everyone everywhere feverishly dancing
Singing their merry tunes
Finding delight in everything and everyone
Was I the only one that noticed
Whatever might have been going on?
I saw one light in the distance
It was fiercely lit green
Did it permit everyone to do what they wanted
Everyone that is, except me?
As we moved further away
It only grew brighter
Farther away from my sight
And closer to everyone else’s
2/10/00; 7:44 PM
How are you today?Really…oh, I see
I hear the answer through your quiet nod
And that blank stare you suddenly show
That happens to be looking distantly past me
Are you another one with the desease?
It seems to be reaching everyone now
Is you mind weak?
Have you lost the direction in which you wish to go?
Have you nothing left to show me,
Because your life has lost it’s glow?
Oh how I wish there was a cloud in the sky
So we could see the pretty pictures above
Maybe then you can laugh at the silliness of it
And I’ll cry at the mass of humanity up high
For it is our minds that gives the clouds shape
Maybe in time the sun will set
And the blue sky will melt away
Tomorrow will be that much closer to yesterday
The clouds will turn from white to red to black
And when the lights turn out
Maybe you won’t be so ill
But even if you’re still hacking and coughing
At least today is done
2/10/00; 5:39 PM
There’s a knocking at the doorBut there’s nobody home
Same as yesterday
Probably true tomorrow
I may as well try some more
Bang twice
And wait once more
Still, no one is at the door
Do they refuse to open it?
Is it only this and more
That I may have in store?
If things remain
And we all know they delight in staying the same
I will be here all day
Wondering why there’s nobody there
And why no one ever invites me to their humble abode
So I dine on dry wine and crusty crackers tonight
Eating alone
Kicking my ever sorer foot into the door
Why must it refuse to open
I wish not to take refuge outside
And be demoted to a recluse in everybody’s eyes
So all-night I will knock
And I’ll be caught waiting till morning
2/15/00; 12:23 PM
The way we went after what we wereWas quite immaculate really
Even though we never actually made the trip
We fell through ditches
And landed on our troubles
Further away from our hopes
And our distresses became our sorrows
The ditch was quite murky
And lights grew dim quite quickly
The mud within was pasty
Thus, we were all stuck
What were we so long ago?
And why do we trivialize the things
That everyone wishes to show?
So we show nothing to them
And share everything with ourselves
Leaving out everyone and everything else
We will never know what we were
For we will always be what we are
Regardless of the consequences
And the circumstances
After all, we’ll get out of the ditch eventually
2/16/00; 7:17 AM
When things are going downHearts are being lost
And everything I know goes away
Thing I love will stray
After all, everything leaves some day
Life is that way
If time could stop for an hour
Finally, I’d stop and pick the flowers
Everything will be all right
Idealism will shine it’s light
Life will fade away some day
In time I will depart
Valleys will fill with the flow of my heart
Everything will be peaceful in the end
2/18/00; 1:28 PM
I threw a stone into the wishing wellI closed my eyes
And it sunk
I heard it make one sound
Then make it’s quiet decent to the depths below
No one knew how deep the well was
For that was no knowledge that anyone had wished for
I couldn’t hear it sinking
I wonder if it will drown
That poor stone that I cast so thoughtlessly
So that I could wish for things to be well
Is it worth a tiny stone
To have a mighty good time?
My sight is transfixed on the dark water
It’s murky hue starting to fog
I can no longer see the stone going down and downer
It has probably drowned
I’m sure it’s dead
And that it rest at the bottom
The stone was scarred by the well
But my wish wasn’t granted
So I went homeward
2/22/00; 10:04 AM
It is raining outsideWith a gentle mist pelting my window
The shadows from the streetlight
Are muddled and distorted
The night is quiet
And my eyes refuse to shut
It’s been four hours since I began resting
The rain had only been here for three
It started soft
Then grew louder and harder
Lulling me off from my potential doze
Casting me into a sleepier realm
Two hours ago I heard lightning
Felt it and saw it too
And I shivered
It was obvious the air about was discontented
But it didn’t need to startle me
I’ve been waiting all of this time for another flash to rattle me
So that I may drift off to slumber
Now I am struck watching the granules of water
Stream down my window
The wild urban countryside is rendered to a more peaceful chaos
All for a sleepless night’s viewing pleasure
2/23/00; 11:24 AM
He was halfway up the mountainWith daggers in the wind stabbing into him
He was losing his grip
But he refused to fall
He eventually found stability on a small ledge
Which housed a frozen over corpse to keep him company
He must’ve died years ago
Yet his face was still smiling cynically and brightly
There was wood
There were rocks
And suddenly he decided to build a fire
He’d needn’t worry about climbing any higher
On this ledge, he could keep warm with a frozen friend
The kindlen began to burn
Instantly, his eyes grew bright
His hair began to thaw
Everything was going to be all right
Even if his skin had developed
A few crusty purple patches
To his right the man looked in sheer delight
So that he could begin to exchange tales with the frozen one
But its face was no longer smiling
As a matter of face
It began to melt off
It happened with a flash
The man blinked once more
And the corpse collapsed on the fire
Dripping and smothering it out
Until it began to freeze over again
The mountaineer had lost his only companion
His heart did the same
Losing itself in it’s refrozen entrapment
And there was a pain he couldn’t let go
By befriending and killing a pile of bones
A tear began to form
And it froze
His mounting pain of mourning
Twisting around his soul
He promised to never climb a mountain again
Then he fell
2/23/00; 2:13 PM
Watch me dieAnd fade away on a sunny day
Near the beaches
So far away
Maybe today I’ll see things go right
And tomorrow will be okay
Now I die
No more tomorrow
Or yesterday’s sorrows
More after the fact issues
And people wondering how they could bring me back
Or why I left
And some will still wait for me to come again
They all stand without me
And crowd me when times are low
Now they stand and crowd my casket
This wasn’t completely the way I wished to go
One looks down upon me
As I lay on my back eyes shut and nowhere to run
What great sorrow their voices show
Makes me wonder why I had to let myself go
2/24/00; 12:10 PM
They are back to haunt meThey have returned again
Springtime must be near
I can try to run from them as much as I wish
But it is of no use
They aren’t just after me
But everyone else as well
It’s times like these that I wish I could run like hell
But there is nowhere at all to hide
Every little nook and hidden cranny I can do
I can still hear them coming
Even if my ears are shut tight
I’m sure that they’re still hunting me
They were once so beautiful
In a once upon a time that began many years ago
Now they are dreadful
They fill the skies
Arriving in the spring
And staying for a month or two or ten
Maybe someday they’ll never return
And things will be peaceful again
Yet if the birds weren’t there
What then would I be running from?
2/24/00; 1:25 PM
I wonder just what he is thinkingAnd why he does what he does
Whatever could keep him near me?
When he should be running down the hills gleefully
Never looking back
He keeps by my side
Sometimes forcing himself too often
It’s okay to be near me
But what about getting closer?
Is this fear I fell?
Or something I haven’t felt in awhile
If not ever before
But what is it that I fell
And what shall I say to him?
Nothing…I don’t want to hurt him
Am I hurting him already?
Oh, I’m not doing it right am I?
I have questions with no answers
That I desire to ask him
Or do I not know how to question him
And here he comes, walking down the way
Approaching me the way he usually does
With me not knowing what to say
2/24/00; 1:42 PM
There is a bumble bee stinging my brainAnd that is why I’m bumbling down the street
Whoever said I need to get my feet wet
Forgot to remind me of the mess I was getting into
Yes my feet are wet
My shoes are flooded
And my toes tear apart my socks
So that my feet can blister some more
And the souls will bleed with puss
Flooded feet will burn
Wretched messes only get worse
I skipped and tripped off the street
My head meeting a thick patch of briars
With thorns piercing my eyes
Which are not struck blind
My vision is bleeding red
I travel now in no particular direction
With a bushel of thorns surrounding my head
With white footprints
And red, salty rain
I no longer know where the mess is
The bumblebee has dies
Yet there is no peace roaming in my mind
For the sting remains
2/29/00; 10:52 AM
I’m at a complete and total unintelligible loss of wordsFrozen solid and never coming out
No action to be taken
No discourses of why we’re all forsaken
Just me standing alone in the world
Without a clue of what to do
I see the lonely souls standing in line
Waiting for another pail of porridge
They wonder why they live their bleak existence
But I don’t know what to tell them
The faucet has been shut off
And the words refuse to spew forth
Even though I know exactly what to say
And what to do
I know that I must do something
But I stand dumbfoundedly frozen solid instead
The chance is gone
The time has passed
And my opportunity to make an impact with it
But I have made an impression
For nothing will do that often
I sit and watch the moment slip away
Wondering why I didn’t tell what I had to say
And I stare as someone’s peace of mind goes astray
Helplessly frozen, and all alone
3/1/00; 1:16 PM
I can see them staring blanklyNever blinking
Never thinking
I thought I would’ve said something by now
They do not hear, speak, nor see
Yet it helps me see plenty in me
And why my visions allow me to be who I’ll be
What do I see
My eyes are closed
And they fly around me
I can fell them
But do they feel me?
Where I am, or what I stand for
Why must I shout when they try to leave
Still staring blankly
They fall one by one
And as soon as I extend my hand
Another one is gone
Did he listen…would’ve he ever?
Don’t know
But now his eyes are closed
I retract my hand
None of the others even flinch
Wonder if they know what’s going on
Or why they’re standing there
3/1/00; 1:38 PM
I’ve had a bad dayI don’t know what to do
My pet canary was shot at high noon
But that was only the beginning
I went to my car
To take my canary to the vet
Her name was Betsy
And now she has no neck
But while getting to the car
I tripped on my dog
Chipped my chin on the driveway
Hit my knee on a rubber ball
That used to be my dog’s favorite toy
Which no longer is lost
My memory was hazy
I know someone shot my canary
I just don’t remember whether it was the dog or his ball
And why is my chin split?
Why is my life shit?
Why must we eat fish?
We have Betsy to throw on the skillet!
Today is a bad day
Tomorrow may be the same
My canary now lies rather lame
But that’s okay
His chatterful tweeting was annoying anyway
3/6/00; 1:38 PM
I am trapped in a nothingThat I built around me
So many years ago
It wasn’t hard to build
Plenty of people volunteered to help
They wanted me to construct a wall
To capture all my dreams
And they certainly did love my poetry
But it kept my nightmares in as well
The nothing started to smell
Just like anything else
But it soon infected every part of me
The nothing made me quite diseased
But my poetry got better
It was all around me now
And reminded me of it’s presence everywhere I went
It would kick me when I’d try to sleep
And scowl my stomach whenever I’d eat
The nothing was in control
My poems kept churning
My dreams and fears uniting
Into one horrifying scare
That scared my soul
And gave me scars to bear
I wanted out of the wall
So I climbed really high
With a pickax in my hand
With the hope of making it fall
From the top down
I almost broke through too
But once again the nothing pulled me away
Down to the fog that endowed the ground
Filling me with unimaginable pain
The wall’s shadow was upon me now
The sun burnt out before my very eyes
And now I lay in the fog in the dark
My poetic voice, trapped in my mind
3/12/00; 10:50 PM
The city is very coldAnd even darker
Nothing much is moving about
Nothing that matters
Nor anything of any consequence
It’s just laying here
And I’m losing sleep
There is no dim faint glow above
The stars have all burnt out
And I lost my opportunity to catch them long ago
Now they’re dead
And the city is darker
The sky, much more unforgiving
No one is watching the city
This city that I call home
Why should they, no one wishes to know
Of the sinister deeds I have committed here
They are of consequence
Unlike me
Everywhere is cold
Everywhere is darkness
And it’s been bearing down upon me for hours
There is no use in running
There is nothing to run from
So now I must walk into my own outstretched arms
And hold myself in a cold embrace
As the sky and the city look down upon me
Unforgivingly
3/12/00; 11:00 PM
There was a child that played in the fieldWhere is he now?
Did a plague of locust eat him
Did he remember that he had no friends
Or did he finally grow up somehow
I barely recall being so innocent
Running around with the wind in my hair
Refusing to wash up after romping about
Throughout the playground
Those times were long ago
And innocence is something
My responsibilities can no long handle
Poor child
Some horrible fear must’ve gotten to him
God damn the nightly news
The recently unconvicted rapist must’ve gotten to him
Poor child
There is no innocence in fear
The grass sin the field still sways
But not the same way it used to
No erratic child runs through it
Nor the chaos that ensued
I’m sure it was nothing above
That caused the child to run off
Of course he moved on to bigger and better things
As all children do
But when I ran off
My dreams didn’t come true
3/22/00; 1:44 PM
My foot is stuck in the mud…againThat’s the fourth time this wretched hour
I no longer wear my boots
The wet earth consumed them long ago
Now my feet are freezing
And I am as well
I’ve been told there’s nothing like a gentle spring downpour
I guess they were right
I never thought anything could make one so miserable
Under such a horrible and heartless strife
The blooms are being struck off the trees
And I watch them fall erratically to my knees
Like a pastel moth swarm
That’s being pelted by the rain
Yet the trees are forever budding
I wonder how they stay that way
A blossom catches my eye and proceeds to latch onto it
A sharp burning pain ensues
This odd petal is white with a few streaks of blue
I collapse onto the muddy trail
And it starts laughing quite haughtily
The rain and blossoms continue to assault me
Kindly giving me a blanket to stay warm
Unless it’s a death shroud they are sewing
I close my eyes
And my foot is no longer with me
Nothing at all is actually
I’m all gone
My soul has ended its weeping
There is nothing left to cry
So it beings it’s eternal sleeping
The blossoms continue to fall
The rain will never stop
A tranquil spring will continue without me
For I’ve been buried in the muddy trails
Forever forgotten
In a world where the light dies quietly
3/28/00; 1:40 PM
It has left againAnd I’m alone
Totally and completely
I am left with the things that surround me
They never looked on in admiration
Only in wonder
Asking why I was the way I was
And why I still persist in my ways
One reason is because it left me
And I am filled with dread
When it started walking out the door
I only let it walk
There was nothing I could do to stop it
Trying would only push it faster
My surroundings were oblivious to my plight
In my breaking state they spoke in harsher tones
Demanding me to empty my soul
Which had nothing to give to being with
Everyone wanted everything
I had nothing left to give
On my plate I had no dinner
In my mind I once held many things dear
But I dropped them
And they all left
Never to return here
Yet I continue to reach for the light in the distance
With my ankles shackled to the ground
Everyone around them has a key
But why the hell would they wish to free me?
I am not valuable…
I have nothing left to give
So no one wishes to see me
Much less give a helping hand
It works the same way everyday
This godforsaken land clasp my hand
And cast me into the pit before me
Never to be saved
Never to return
Just left to lay there and burn
And they all watch me fall below
Not a one waving goodbye
They leave me there in my demise
I have left them
I am lonely
4/4/00; 1:45 PM
When I look forwardI feel them scratch my back
And they approach me right and left
Wanting to shake my hand
But I only have two to share
So I turn the other way
And they begin to pull my hair
Everyone wishes to grab a lock
But no one wishes to share
The sun sinks below the horizon
But no one is watching
I turn about twice more
Everyone tries to help me
No one can reach my surrounded body
For they see me for what I look like
But they know nothing of who I am
The sky is darker
The sun has passed to the other side
Oh how I wish to join it
Maybe if I take the path I didn’t yesterday
The one that would’ve led me home
That place I’ve been yearning for
Where my mind has rested since days before
Maybe then I could join it there
The crowd leaves
Their stomachs quenched from ravenous feeding
My heart is still beating
But it’s losing its vigor quickly
They came looking for nothing
They had nothing to gain
There was nothing I could give them
They had nothing for me to receive
Yet they all still came looking for me
So I lay here now
My back still itching
With no hair left to call my own
With nothing at all to call my own
Except for nothing, which is all around me
The sun has escaped with plight
I should’ve followed it
4/28/00; 8:02 AM
I remember the last time I heard the orchestra playThat was a very long time ago
And there isn’t much to remember
Except that their melodies were long and slow
The strings were soft and taunt
And the bows passed over them like skipping rocks
The horns blared loudly
Making my hairs stand tall and tightly
Much like the taunt strings
But the horns grew quieter
And the bows hopped with less vigor
Lulling myself and the air with a lullaby
I don’t remember much else
For I had been put to sleep
By the impresarios baton
Dreaming of soft strings, softer horns
And a quiet melody
5/5/00; 2:08 PM
Spring has finished its final approachAnd now it shall begin to recede
And so shall I with summer’s searing heat
I have already begun to wilt
And since I have a cup but nothing to drink
It is only a matter of time until my leaf falls off the tree
When I descend I will probably be sleeping
Since such warm summer days make babies cry
And make old me like me shut their eyes
I can fell the brown splotches forming
My skin if finally becoming disgusting
I am no longer youthful and pretty
But rather, an old leaf wilting before its time
And even the insects dare not approach me
5/5/00; 2:24 PM
They dance merrily all aroundBut I can’t find it in me to lift my feet
It doesn’t matter that they are made of lead
For I cannot feel the rhythm
And I cannot dance
I see her beautiful and graceful movements
I see her finger beckoning me towards her
But I don’t want to embarrass myself
Especially in front of many and many a stranger
I should make a mad dash for the door
But my feet are bolted to the floor
So I can’t run when I see her flowing towards me
She smiles and says hello
And with that I finally move
Making a nervous smirk and a full fledged blush
She repeats her greeting
But I look past her
Begging helplessly that I was at the door
Wishing that I had never appeared here
Wishing that I was at home, alone
She takes my hand
Her fingers feel soft as silk and just as smooth
There is nothing that I can do
I have to let go
I have to stop being a mannequin on the dance floor
5/22/00; 12:13 PM
It’s five minutes before my ride to the park will arriveAnd I am running very late
My pants have just covered my skin
And my shirt will soon be joining them
This is quite a consequence for oversleeping
And here I am in my bedroom changing
Strap the belt through the second hole
Button the shirt one short of the throat
Unravel the ends of the sleeves
Peel apart the socks
This wig’s like a mop
And where have the shoes run off to?
Under the bed
Around the bed
Near the bed
I didn’t take them off before I went sleeping
Maybe they’re in the bathroom
Yes! Resting beside the john
I remember taking them off while reading
One minute remains
There’s still a chance I’ll be ready
Just left are the shoes
Oh these stubborn loafers
Inconveniently refusing to cover my feet
First right, then left,
They’re on, I’m dressed!
But I have very little time to tie them
A simple bow knot
Cross the laces and pull the strings
Loop the loop and loop again
Pull it apart and there it…damn it!
The laces slipped out, better try again
A simple bow knot
Cross the strings and pull the laces
Do it the same but with much more care
Pull them apart, but they unravel again!
I hear a car outside
It stops and the horn begins to blare
I am frantic, my shoes remain despotic
These damn shoestrings only bring me dispair
It’s been five minutes
My ride to the park is here
And I am still running late
7/26/00; 12:06 PM
Answers are everywhere...Everywhere is everyone...
Everyone has questions...
Questions leave doubts...
Doubts kill answers...
All writings are copyright of Chris Ward 1998-1999