C'est la Vie

Entry 88 - 5/2/00

Today was one of those days that I had been looking forward to for a long time. This was to be the day when I would be more at peace, and more relaxed. I had looked towards this day saying ďJust think about this what you will be doing at this time of Tuesday.Ē Finally I am finished with my research paper. It was a very harsh process, but I fought through it. I bet I wonít get a good grade on the paper, but at least itís done.

Today has been quite a lull. I didnít do too much of anything at school outside of fall asleep in American Studies, listen to somewhat amusing arguments in theater, and build a very tall tower out of note cards in Technical Theater class. I didnít even go to gym because I had to go to a rather boring and rather pointless assembly. School will be over soon, but itís going to take a long while for it to end. And my AP Tests loom in the not so far off distance.

I am not rather tired and very drained. On top of that, I have a history test tomorrow, I bet that will be fun. I just hope that I can sleep tonight, as opposed to what I did last night.

Entry 89 - 5/12/00

Eyes burning, fingers aching and twitching, bladder on the verge of exploding. No, that isnít a list of my favorite things. Instead, it was a list of what I was going through when I finished the AP United States History Exam. It was hard, and I didnít know some of the things that I shouldíve. It wasnít extremely taxing on the mind, but I donít feel so great about it. I hope I got a 3, because I certainly think I did. Then again, my essays did suck quite badly. I didnít have to go to school today, and that was a very good thing. But I did have to spend four and one-half hours in a test room that had a light on every single panel and a goose that was quacking outside. At least thatís over, one more test to go.

One thing that has been happening to me lately is that Iíve been getting sick. Nothing really major or anything, just that I have been feeling really bad in my stomach off and on lately. It isnít for any particular reason I think. It happened last Saturday when I went to each Japanese food. All it took was way too much soy sauce and BOOM, my stomach was feeling quite horrible. I finally got over that one a day or so later. I also got dehydrated in gym, and I nearly tossed my guts again. Fortunately I found myself some water, poured it on me, and cooled off. I was still a little sick afterwards, but at least I wasnít on the verge of exploding. Right now (as in me sitting at my computer and typing), I am also feeling sick. This is because I went to Taco B(H)ell and had a Mexican pizza. All I can say that the picture looked much better than the product.

Tomorrow night is prom, and me of all people is going (surprised, why should you be?). I have to go all about the town today and pick up stuff and do other stuff. Iíd love to get that over with now but I am unable to because I donít have money enough to pay for what I need to pay. I guess Iíll just be running all about town today trying my best to stay calm as my parents bitch at me because theyíre stressed out or something. Then again, maybe that wonít happen.

And on a final note, my brother is home again, for good this time. Now the house is an absolute mess, and his girlfriend is over here all the time. Itís a good and a bad thing. I kind of liked the privacy I had being home, but then again, I did miss my brother. And now my sister is coming over tooÖyay. But I will be in my room or out and about studying and doing chemistry tonight, so I donít know how much time Iíll get to spend with them. All I know is that I will be very busy this weekend, I wonder if I will have fun?

Entry 90 - 5/18/00

What a week. All I can say is what a week. It has been very busy. It's had very high highs, and extremely low lows. My mind has been going around and around, and now I am here, typing, and I'm rather stressed out.

Where do I begin? Why not with the AP Chemistry test, considering that I can remember that rather clearly. It was hard, and there were a few people there. Of those people, most of them entered thinking/knowing that they were going to fail. I saw many people take the test and finish it in a little over five minutes. As for me, I thought I had a chance to pass. I had been studying (with the help of a very nice tutor) for awhile, and that got my mind into chemistry, at least for that day. I freaked out at the free response questions for a little bit, but I got over that and did okay on them. The only really hard part was channeling out the very loud voices that were coming from the classroom next to ours. There was much laughing, and of course, I had to be sitting right across the wall. With all of that said, I thought I did well.

While that particular AP test was rather taxing on my mind for a little bit, something else has happened to me that has been stressing me out much more lately. It's a little thing called student government elections. I shall make a long story kind of short.

When I heard the news that there would be no speeches made for the SGA elections, I thought it was completely absurd. Thus, I decided to run to make a complete and total mockery out of it. I was going to make rather funky signs that had no meaning, and make a joke out of the whole thing. However, the day I signed up, I learned that there were going to be speeches. I was absolutely overjoyed. I had been wanting to write a speech for awhile, and I was going to make sure that this was going to be a really good one (the kind that makes to crowd go "wow.") I began posting signs around the school, and I got a little reaction from some people. Well, I got around to writing my speech sometime near 1AM Sunday morning. I thought it was great, and that it was just what I needed to actually win the election. If only I...

Day went by and day continued, and suddenly it was Wednesday, the day I was to give my speech in front of the junior and sophomore classes. I had read my speech a few times to myself, and I had come to one conclusion...just because it sounds good at 1AM Sunday morning doesn't mean that it sounds good at 9AM Wednesday morning. In other words, I thought the speech sucked (I will put a copy of the speech on this page soon).

Obviously, the junior class thought it sucked as well. They gave me a very bad reaction (you will understand why when you read it). To get the jist of it, I told them a little story called "Bennie the Birdie's trip to Mt. Pleasant". They laughed at me, not at the story. I didn't change anything though, I just kept reading. I thought I'd get that kind of reaction. However, I felt pretty bad about it during lunch, and in dread of giving the speech again, I decided that if the sophomores gave a the speech the same reception as the juniors did I would walk out.

I knew what I had to do from the moment I was called to the podium. With my introduction came laughs and the sort of chatter that gave the notion that the audience was going to throw me on the fire and cook me nice and slowly. I changed my speech a little at the beginning, and they laughed at me. I started to read the story in my speech, and they laughed some more. Then I stopped in the middle of it and asked them if they liked the story. A very rambunctious "No" was the reply I received. After a few more short words, I told them that they wouldn't have to worry about hearing the rest of the speech, and walked out through the curtains. With that, I was officially kicked off of the ballot.

That part was easy. I dealt with it well, and I am very grateful for my friends who came backstage immediately afterwards to give me their support. I was about to cry, but not because I was sad, but rather, because I was glad because someone actually cared.

However, I have had much trouble dealing with the aftermath of the whole situation. Suddenly, everyone knows me, and everyone is talking about my situation. I know many people that are going to write me in on the ballot. However, there are many people that just give me their condolences because everyone else is. Some people who didn't even like me before are trying to be my friend. The whole trap of popularity is starting to crawl in on me. I appreciate their support, but by the same token something just doesn't seem right.. I am feeling much stress because people are falling in love with a man who ran away from troubleÖthey're falling in love with a coward. Sure, those sophomores deserved it, but I still ran away from my trouble, which doesn't and probably never will settle well with me.

I have been warned and warned myself about the dangers of suddenly having everyone like you, pretend to like you, or at least wish to speak to you. I know that it can change you from who you are. I know the mob can embrace you, then you will embrace it, and you will be wearing a mask for the rest of your life. I liked how I was, and I'm trying to keep the way I am. I am just stressed out. I guess I just don't like the attention and I don't like having to tell the same story over and over again about why I did what I did. I just want to be with my friends, and that I can and do care less about all of this attention I'm getting from all of these people I don't know and don't care for. I hope my friends realize that.

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