C'est la Vie

Entry 77 - 3/2/00

Wow, I didn’t realize that I’ve neglected reflection for this long. Well, time has passed, and passed, and ran. As you can guess, plenty has happened in the 10 days (well, I believe it’s been 10 days) since I’ve last written. And when I say plenty, I mean a whole bunch of stuff.

So to start, let’s start with what I’m doing right now. I’m typing, waiting for a phone call so I can work on a project that needs to be done by tomorrow. Being depended on by a whole group of people is something I’m not used to, but it’s a role I don’t mind taking. The whole deal goes like this, I have to finalize a business proposal that I don’t have all of the information on by tomorrow morning so it can go to the administration’s desk. Did I mention that this is a drama project…and have I mentioned the administration’s opinion of the theater department? This is a fun job for me. Fun in the fact that there is a lot of pressure on me, there are many repercussions, and if I don’t get it done and done right, my whole drama class will get a really hard hit on their grade…all because of me. I fell…not powerful…but kinda important. No power trips though (remember who’s talking).

I am also listening to the greatest musical of all time, now on two CDs that span 43 songs (only one of which is bad)…RENT. The only bad song is one that was thrown on at the end…Stevie Wonder’s butchering of “Season’s of Love”. But really, everyone should see this musical…it’s great. I loved it when I saw it, and I didn’t even understand some of what they were saying because the acoustics where I was sitting sucked. It was that good!

Well, play rehearsal has been it’s mostly fun usually self. Everyone getting all hot and sweaty and completely killing their vocal chords in the process. I am still dancing…and singing…and checking the calendar to see how close March 31st is. The play will be good…I hope. If it isn’t…well…I’ll be upset. So I’m doing my part, I just hope that’s making the play better and not worse.

That’s life for now…and what do you know, I’m almost 17, just something like 8 more days. And right now I don’t feel like any age. Odd…

Entry 78 - 3/3/00

I am sick. There is no better way to put it. I am sick. Sick in my stomach, of my lot in life, of what I’m doing, of school, of my parents, of people’s lack of consideration, and most of all of myself. So much has been going on around me and to me, and I have done a very poor job of dealing with it. Doesn’t it make perfect sense? I just become a very burnt out person who can’t keep his head straight when too much pressure is put on him. Yes, I know that’s true for everyone else. But most all of the pressure has been put on me by myself. I have pain…so much in me…and I have no way to let it out. Even as my fingers stroke these neatly arranged pieces of plastic with letters on them, I only begin to feel worse. It seems like the more that I try to deal with things, the more I think about how bad things are.

It isn’t just a day or two that has been bad…it’s been almost the entire week. I think that’s it, but the week has been soooooo long. It feels like two weeks ago was an eternity, and last week isn’t that far off from being another one. I don’t really know what to say. My parents have been putting much pressure on me, and I think I cracked a little while ago. I have no clue what to do or say now, but I feel like I’m floating in an abyss. But of course, little old me is the one who refuses to accept the help people are trying to provide. But how much would it help? I mean, I’ll be feeling bad once again if some average Joe or Jane tries to make me feel better. I feel like I’ve been abandoned, but not by everyone else. It’s more like I’ve abandoned everyone else…and I have no idea how to go about reaching them again.

Of course, as I thought it would, I’m only feeling worse from writing this. Maybe a little sleep will help me get over this for awhile. Of course, I’ll only wake up and realize that things aren’t any better. You know, things were going great, and I actually felt like something. And now it feels like that without warning, the whole lot came tumbling down. I can’t put my finger on what it was, but I’m sure the finger is pointing at me.

Entry 79 - 3/9/00

First and foremost, above is a great example of one losing hope for no apparent reason. That’s something I do occasionally, and something I almost did today. No, today hasn’t been the best of days. After getting criticized in English for not using the language properly, having a quiz in Math, a test in Chemistry, and a really stressful test in Spanish, I wasn’t doing so well. All I wanted to do was go home and lay down, but I had tonnes (this means tons in case you were wondering, I just spell it that was when I can) of work to do. Wonderful me, beating myself up too much like I do sometimes. Why do I do it? Probably because part of me just wants to be told that I am worth something. I’m only human.

There was one thing that got me in a better mood. That would be an absolutely great book, one that’s even better than Huck Finn. The book, The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald. It’s a wonderfully written book. So once I read that for awhile, then I can read a chapter of history (where I am suddenly struggling), do Theater homework (a class that has suddenly shoved much responsibility on me). Then, maybe I can have some time to do something fun.

So why am I updating my page then? Well…I am on a “break”. Hey, it has been awhile since I’ve updated this hasn’t it? It’s been a good week, and hopefully things will stay good. My birthday is in two days you know. Weeeeeeee…

One final note, I have done two things, one good, one bad. The good thing, I’ve finally gotten around to backing up this entire page, just in case Tripod discovers all of the “colorful” language and free thinking. I already have another account set up. I may move there soon…or not. And the bad thing, I have lost my poetry notebook! AHHH! This is bad…I hope I can find it, but it isn’t anywhere to be found so far. :-( Hopefully it turns up, because I am learning just how hard it is to write poetry on 8 ½ by 11 paper. If anyone finds it…yay. I’ll be one very happy person, for I was almost done with it too…

Entry 80 - 3/19/00

It has been forever and then some once again since I’ve touched this section, much less touched this page. I’ve desired to, but there has been little time to update, and almost less to add onto the page. Well…that isn’t entirely true. I did turn 17 on March 11th, weefun. I’ve also had a whole shit-load of rehearsal, which has been fun…most of the time. There isn’t really much to say, considering how I can’t think of anything to reflect upon.

I haven’t even written much poetry lately. That can be attributed to two things. One, the fact that I lost my poetry notebook, and the other being that I haven’t had much inspiration and I’ve been rather tired. Well, on that note, I did find my poetry notebook while cleaning my room. It wasn’t even in my room though, but rather, it was in my old bedroom in a box full of computer stuff (I’m not even going to ask how it got there). I’m happy I have it back. Maybe I’ll be able to write something good for a change. I wrote two things in my “new” notebook. It feels very different.

I also saw a very good musical on the 12th, “Cabaret”. It was very well done, but horribly depressing. It’s one of the best shows I’ve seen (too bad I was all the way up in row VV). I recommend it to almost anyone, except for those who get offended by scantily clad men and women. I loved it, even though I felt quite bad after it was over.

That’s all for now. Hopefully I’ll find more time to reflect upon things. Hey, “Barnum” starts on the 31st, so soon I’ll have plenty of free time (much less plenty more to talk about).

Entry 81 - 3/23/00

There is something out there, somewhere. Maybe I’ll find it…maybe not. Is it so important, possibly. I could be missing out on something, I could be missing out on nothing at all. Life is quite interesting isn’t it?

Rehearsal has been taking up plenty of my time…almost too much of it actually. It’s been fun, but it’s been a whole lot of work. Finally though, it seems as if the show is starting to come together. I sincerely hope the show goes well.

I while things have been going well for me lately find myself getting more and more downtrodden. It isn’t very fun (but that goes without saying). It’s been a whole combination of things really. Lack of free time, increase in stress, inability to write a poem (much less anything else), wishing, hoping, dreaming, and many others. The downhill turnabout didn’t start until just a few days ago…

It was the end of rehearsal, and I had been asked to help clean up the auditorium because there was a whole bunch of trash strewn over it. I was cleaning up the floor when Mr. Vance, the director of the show, came up to me and paid me probably the highest compliment that he could have (the jist of it was that I’ve been doing things really well during the show and that he was glad that he could work with me.) I was struck…because he is one of the people whose opinion of me actually matters.

While I was a little joyous, I was also very…well…I don’t know, I guess emotional would be a way to put it, but that doesn’t really sum it up well. It was after that (and that night) that I got to thinking about if people compliment me (only a few people do; I’ve never been the one to be outstanding in any which way). It was rather distressing…because it matters to me if people actually know I’m there, and I feel like there are plenty of people out there that could care less about what goes on with me. It’s just as well though, it’s my lot in life to have some really good, close friends – a lot that I will take very thankfully. I can still remember some instances like they were yesterday where I had absolutely no one to turn to.

I shouldn’t look at things so hard, but there are just some facts about some certain things that distress me a little. I seem to give a whole lot more than I should, and receive very little from some people, a lot from a few people, and a whole lotta shit from almost everyone else. Do I give too much? I know I’m not being walked on in the materialistic sense, but am I beginning to run out of myself. I find myself only able to count the lines on the paper when I try to write a poem. Some of my friends seem to love me one minute, and want nothing to do with me the next. To all of the matters, and to many others, I shall say “C’est la vie!” But one can’t just throw off a whole bunch of troubles with a single breath…hopefully I’ll snap out of it soon. Maybe I don’t even see what people are trying to give me…

Entry 82 - 3/31/00

The day is here…weefun. So tonight we start the show, it’s been a very long ride, and many things have transpired. I’ve learned much, and I’ll learn more, but I don’t really reflect on it too much. Are we ready? Not completely. Will there be a miracle tonight and will things go well? I can only hope. Will I forget my lines and completely screw up…probably. I am just curious as to how it’s going to turn out…both curious and a little worried. The show will go on, it has to.

This week has had some rather high highs and some rather low lows. There isn’t that much to really talk about it since most of it is all said and done (or at least mostly). And I only have a few things on my mind…and one of them begins at 7:30 in the PM tonight. I’ll have something to say about it afterwards I’m sure. I hope we do well…but I’ve already said that.

Entry 83 - 4/16/00

The weekend is over and it’s been quite awhile since I’ve last changed this page any. Shameful really. There has been so much happening, so much going on, so many wonderful and damnful things happening to me that I could have and should have mentioned or reflected upon here. But I didn’t. I have said nothing of how great of an experience Barnum was, or how much fun I had, or how close I grew to some people and drifted further away from others. I have made no mention of many things. That is the past now. Times were great, but it was the past, and it will be forgotten eventually.

I have had a wonderful weekend. It was great. It was fun. I wish it was longer. Now I am sad, or at least sullen however. I have less than no desire to go to school tomorrow nor the next day on the two days that were cut out of our spring break. I shall have to deal with it though, for there is nothing I can do about it. I can’t particularly think of anything to write, and I’m not in much of one to write anyhow. My case of writer’s block is still severely hacking at me. I am a mixed bag right now. I am feeling great for many reasons, but feeling not so great for some other reasons. C’est la vie.

Entry 84 - 4/19/00

Finally, school is over for around a week. It is spring break now. Sure, it’s good that I can finally get some sleep, but by the same token there is so much work to be done that it almost seems like there is no break at all. Either that or just the fact that I am thinking there is more work than there really is. Sure, the board (bored) game I have to make for history won’t take too long. However, the research paper that I have to do for English is looking very daunting. But that’s how school is. I signed up for the courses, I’ll have to deal with it with the least amount of bitching and procrastination possible.

I had a very sick dream last night. I remember a very tiny portion of it, but I just remember that it was rather sick, in more ways than one. I don’t remember any details though. I do not feel like mentioning any of the specifics though.

These two school days that I had to go to due to incompetence in scheduling by the school board were a complete waste of time. I should’ve just skipped, but my parents wouldn’t ever stand for anything like that. I slept during Spanish; that was fun. I did nothing in chemistry. I did very little in any of my classes except for English and History (of course). I just finished reading “Death of a Salesman”. It was a very good play, even though it’s pretty sad and solemn. However, if it were happy, the play wouldn’t make sense.

And now I am here typing my time away, which is okay. I have time to do things. I have things to do yes, but time to do them in. And everything (I hope) shall be finished by the time they are due.

Entry 85 - 4/20/00

Quasi Spring Break, day 1. Today was quite stressful, for the most part. I worked on my three projects, and got a good bit done on two of them. My research paper looms ominously in the distance, and I shall begin to deal with it shortly. What I did do today was drive through some of the worse traffic in Charlotte I’ve seen in a good while. I was looking for a small store aptly named “Heroes Aren’t Hard to Find” (mind you I had to go home 4 times just to find where it was…damn you Mapquest). I finally found it and bought some dice for the game that I am supposed to be making for history. I must say, the dice are cool, but they aren’t worth the trouble I went through to get them. Oh well, as long as I can make an "A" on it I will be quite happy.

Today was a red-letter day though. After sitting at home most of the day working hard and feeling rather upset for reasons I can’t fathom, a “small” event happened that pretty much changed my perspective on the day. Today, my parents and I finally decided to go visit someone who had something that I have been eyeing for the past few days. And it pretty much worked like this, they were very kind, and had a sweet dog. To make a long story short, I finally have a replacement for the Red POS. I finally have a new car. Well, I don’t actually have it, I’ll get it tomorrow. But finally I am free, and I have a car that I can’t make fun of so much…damn. But I am happy now, and a day that was dreadful turned out to have some very nice things to come out of it.

Entry 86 - 4/23/00

What has been going on lately for me? Three guesses. No, lets not play any guessing games (mainly because you are reading, and you would never in your left mind take time to guess what you could very well read). Anyhow…this hasn’t been much of a break at all. Waaay too much work to be done, and there is still plenty to be done. There has been the game that I have been working on. The board for it will be pretty….eventually. There is the research paper, no comment. There is also chemistry, which is getting a little easier.

Well, what has happened this break? I have driven my car over 110 miles so far. I’m sure no one really cares, not even me. But then again, there is the reason why I’ve driven it so much that I wish to discourse. I must say, Map Quest sucks. I tried to get directions to a friend of mine’s house, and to put it in terms everyone will understand, the damn directionalism service told me to go to and turn off of a street and onto a different street. The problem? Those two streets never meet, and they’re about 4 miles away from each other at their closest juncture. I got there eventually, but mapquest still sucks.

I also had dinner at a pretty good restaurant a few nights ago. A place that we’ve all heard of here in America called “Outback Steakhouse”. Well, it isn’t really an Australian restaurant, but rather an American restaurant with an Australian theme. The appetizers was really good, so good that I didn’t have any room for the not nearly as good main course. I was also very sick afterwards. I got a doggie bag (box), but I accidentally left it there, which is a shame because that was pretty much $15 dollars down the drain. Oh well, at least I had fun while I went out, and it broke the monotony of this spring break, which can be defined as nothing more than work and boredom.

Entry 87 - 4/29/00

There are many ways to describe how this weekend has been thus far, and I shall choose to describe it as a weekend that will wear me out and kick me in the pants twelve times while I scratch my chin wondering where all the time went.

To put it frankly (for how many other ways are there to put things?), I have had a rather hellacious weekend which has had some bright spots. However, I am not leaving myself much time to work on this update because I have major work that I have to do that I am taking a break from. Damn research paper. It isn’t so bad once you get started with it, but I know I’m going to be pushed to finish it and finish it well. But that’s me, the slacker. Hopefully I can be a good slacker this time, I know I’ve gotten enough practice already.

I got to read poetry to people this weekend. It was…well, I had trouble figuring out what I was going to read. I also had a very small audience. But that was okay, the people who listened liked what I wrote. And there were some big people there. One person who was published, and Myers Park High School’s official plastic talking head, Dr. Wimberly, got to hear me read my “wonderful” poems. I read “City on the Shadows, Orchestra (one that I haven’t put up on the page yet), and another one called “Shadowy Reflections”, even though I should’ve read one called “The Gray”. Yes, I am too damn lazy and overworked to link to my own stuff…maybe I’ll get around to it later, but probably not. They should be somewhere in pages 7 and 8 of my writings .

Afterwards we went to have coffee, and we had fun. Then I got home at 10:30 PM, and my parents, being overly anal about the 9 o’clock curfew on my driving were really pissed. It didn’t help that I had “ruined” my mother’s birthday by invoking so much worry in her, and not keeping “a good line of communication”. They were pissed, but they did not punish me other than yell at me. I spent that night tossing and turning in bed, awake until at least 4 PM. Part of that has to do with me being upset with my parents. Most of that however has to do with a 2 AM caffeine high from too much coffee…oops. At least I have survived, even though I am mentally and emotionally drained because of it.

And now, here I am, overworked. Taking a short break to look back and be glad that I am forced to look forward. I will just be very happy when Tuesday afternoon rolls around, because that will mean that I won’t have to deal with my research paper any longer. Only my two AP test will remain before school is practically over (because the last time I checked, The Grapes of Wrath wasn’t a very horrifying and mundane book to read like some other things I’ve had forced upon me in the past.)

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