C'est la Vie

Entry 65 - 1/7/00

This is certainly the story of my life recently. It has its good times, it has its okay times, it has its down time, and it has its bad times. Who would’ve guessed that I would’ve gone through all of these things on the same day. I guess I am just as weird as I say I am. Well, enough of the hoop-la eh. I’ve been giving enough of that out lately.

Today was indeed a very interesting and notable day, or so some would say. Today was a rather new experience. I was the victim of a “drive by nail polishing” (or at least that’s what I’ll call it for the sake of saying). I probably had at least fifty people ask me today about why my nails were black (and I say that in all seriousness, it’s kinda pissed me off eventually). Well, not many people liked it out of those who cared, and I had a few of my friends lecture me about why I shouldn’t do stuff like that. Yay, now even more people think I’m gay. Do I care, not really. I think it’s rather funny actually.

In other news, my mother just bitched me out really bad, taking me out of what was previously a good mood. Oh wonderful, and you may just be a little surprised about why. She and dad had just finished watching American Pie, and I had started to watch it with them. I got bored though a little after the beginning and went on the computer. They watched the movie and I must say they thoroughly enjoyed it. Afterwards, mom asked me about what I thought of the movie…which I told her rather plainly that I thought it had it’s funny moments, but it wasn’t that good of a movie. Well, we talked a little more, then she started to go off into this little tangent about how no one my age could relate to the movie at all because we haven’t experienced it. I agree with that, I haven’t fucked any apple pies in my day. However, she was talking like I hadn’t heard much of anything or don’t know anything about what was mentioned in the movie. That offended me. Of course, mom doesn’t give me much credit for anything though, so I’m wasn’t too surprised when she got so pissed about how she didn’t like attitude about how I always thought I knew everything. A good shouting match later (more like her bitching at me and me sitting there wanting to respond but knowing better that I shouldn’t) and she said that she would talk it over with me tomorrow and that she wanted to watch another movie.

I know what got her in such a pissy mood though. I overreacted a little when she told me that she was going to take me out of the house for about half the day tomorrow and help her work. She pretty much thought that I’d want to because she was going to pay me. However, I don’t want to, because I’d much rather just relax at home. Unfortunately for the situation at hand, I wore my displeasure a little too far down my sleeve. I don’t even know why I got pissed, it isn’t that bad of a thing. I guess it’s the fact that she was once again forcing me to do something, and that always has a tendency to piss me off.

Well, after our nice little “chat”, I went back to the computer and put back on the headphones ( I was listening to Beck during the movie), and mom said something that I thought was really nice of her. She doesn’t think I heard her because I had the headphones on. She pretty much said that she wasn’t going to be nearly as lenient to me as she was to my brother, and that she would make sure that I wouldn’t turn out like him. Translation? Well, I think she’s afraid of me having a mind of my own and being my own person, even if the majority thinks it’s wrong (and she hated my black fingernails). Poor her, she’s completely missed me growing up because she’s been at work, and I really feel bad for her for that. She knows much less about me than she should as a mother. She has a tendency to think that I’m going to fail, and she is usually surprised as well as happy when I succeed. I just wish she would’ve gotten to know me a little better, but I know that isn’t going to happen now. She’s formed her own opinions and ASSumptions about me, and knowing mom, it takes many drastic events for those to change. About that cute comment my mom made, I hope that that was only the bottle of wine talking and not her. Somehow, I doubt it.

This just reminds me of another point. I will be getting my report card Monday. My parents told me if my grades improved I could get my driver’s license. Well, they’ve improved greatly, but I’ve noticed something. Lately, they’ve just seemed to be looking for excuses to not let me get it. My dad keeps talking about how I couldn’t be a good driver because my room is so messy (yet he says that I was better than my brother of sister while they had their permit). I’m sure I’m going to hear that whole spiel from my mom about how my bad attitude shouldn’t allow me to drive. Well, I’m not the only person under this roof who can get pissed, and if they have some God given right to get bitchy with me, is it so wrong that I even show the least bit of emotion. They’ve thought so before, they do now, and they’ll think so again. I must say that this is sad. I am not living in a home in at the moment, but a prison where my thoughts must be shot off. Don’t they say home is where the heart is? Maybe that’s why I’ve been lamenting in my poetry so much lately. Maybe that’s why I enjoy talking on the phone so much. Shit, that’s why I actually like going to school. I can get away from the overly white walls of the house and get away from my parents, who for some reason treat me like some little two-year-old. But I am the baby of the family aren’t I? Even if I’m almost seventeen. Someone please tell my parents that…

Yes, my life has become quite a downer lately with the occasional little bit of upness. In these times where people would smack me upside the head for saying I feel lonely, I’m actually having some of the loneliest times I’ve had in a good while. Makes sense, I’m just a little pile of emotion sickness anyhow. I have to shut myself off from my emotions so much at home that it catches up to me at school, and for that I’m really sorry. But my heart is heavy, and I don’t know who or what is going to try to pick it up and move it to a better place. I can only hope someone will, and all I can say is the sooner the better. Oh how I loathe the weekends sometimes. Here is tomorrow’s bitching session from my mother on the way to her drive to work. What a way to spend the weekend…

Entry 66 - 1/12/00

Is there some higher power working against me today? This is the third time I’ve tried to type my little update for this section, but NOOO! My computer has to get really screwy at me so it can laugh at me. How wonderful; how great. Just exactly what I needed, my computer to mock little old me.

Kinda funny how one can have such a nice day one day, then wake up the next and feel quite bad. I awoke this morning being quite tired, and it only took a matter of starting to awaken to not feel good. I don’t really know what triggered these bad and sad feelings, I just know that it sucks right now.

The worse part is that I feel I’ve kinda been hung out to dry by powers that are out of my control. Of the few people I could talk to about these things, none of them are able to. It’s either, “oh, my mother is being bitchy right now…sorry”, or it’s “I’ve got a whole lot of shit to do”. That’s fine, but I just wish that things were a little different and I actually could talk to people. Here I am, sitting at home, with nothing but my homework to keep me company. One part of me says, “well, if it were important to them, they would make time for it”. But you know what, I feel like a real ass for even typing that much less thinking it.

Well, I’m probably getting all worked up over a bunch of nothing, and that’s what it felt like, until I figured out just what is nagging at me, even though I wish not to discuss it here for reasons I wish not to discuss. You know, if I can’t discuss stuff like that in this section, does this section serve any purpose? I mean, this is here to give insight to my life, and if I keep shutting doors, it’s no good. Well, people have also been getting on my case a little more about me beating myself up too much. That’s the way I’ve been though, and to me, it’s either just words or it’s just the truth. I feel bad though because it seems like people are getting tired of it, or just plain wishing I’d stop. I try, yes, I try. Sometimes harder than other times, but I try. It’s just the way I am unfortunately, beat myself up while saying how wonderful everyone else is.

I’m just feeling bad. Feeling alone. Wondering what people think. Do you think I do this too much? Just sit here, at home, lamenting over whatever causes my displeasures as opposed to doing something about it. I sure wish there was something that I could do, but right now, I am feeling rather helpless, or at least feeling like I’m dangling on a string, with someone holding a pair of scissors. Helpless, hopeless, I don’t know what. I ought to just stop now before I keep throwing this “oh poor me, whatever shall I do?” BS. I’m getting sick of it too.

Entry 67 - 1/16/00

After a few days of being on the brink of insanity, I find myself beguiled by a sudden bout of boredom (alliteration, yay!). I’ve been stuck at home the past two days with nothing to do. Well…almost nothing. What I have been doing is some boring schoolwork (mainly Chemistry), and I’ve been on-line some. I also did a few other things…so lets get to everybody’s favorite time, “story time”.

My dad came home yesterday and “invited” me to go and have lunch with mother and him. I thought I would be doing something tonight, but it was 2 PM, so I wasn’t too terribly worried. I drove to University Place (for those of you wondering, that’s near Lowe’s Motor Speedway, or about a 45-minute drive from my house). After having to deal with plenty of my father’s racial slurs (some of which caused me to cringe and almost wreck), we arrived at mom’s office and had lunch with her. We went to by far the worst restaurant I’ve been to, some place that I believe was called “Calimari’s”. It was a very poor attempt at an Italian restaurant. I wasn’t in the best mood after the drive there, so I decided I was going to be overly critical of the food. I didn’t have to be. A few bites after I started to eat this good-looking pasta with a horrible tasting sauce, I started to feel sick. A few minutes later and I was begging for my father’s food. A few minutes after and I couldn’t eat any more because I was sick to my stomach. The food sucked. Afterwards, after taking some potted plants from my mother’s office, which is in the process of closing, I got to drive home. Why? Well, for the first time in a while, I got to be the designated driver.

I have been quite bored today. I tried to write some poetry, but that was to no avail. I went to www.bored.com, and was able to waste a little bit of time. But what was there really to do other than to use my most unique part of me…my imagination.

You see, dad told me today that it might snow tomorrow. Well, that just reminded me of a few things, and then a few other things. When was the last time it snowed enough to actually do something in Charlotte? I’d say about four years ago, but I’m probably wrong. Anyhow, I have a few fond memories. Fun little slush-ball fights, my sorry attempt at a snowman, eating ice off of leaves. Those were times, fun times, times when I wasn’t bored. My attempts to put me back there in those days lasted about an hour and a half. Okay, so maybe I dozed off a little bit, but it was another good waste of time. And maybe I didn’t use my imagination as much as I implied, but I still used it so ha!

And what do I do when I’m really bored? I type up yet another update for my web page. Can you tell?

Entry 68 - 1/19/00

Well, don’t we just love what life throws at us sometimes. Charlotte just can’t seem to get a snow day can it? It snows everywhere else, and all we get is slush. Nothing but slush. But I still got to miss school for a day, which was a good and bad thing, because now we don’t have a day off until Spring Break. And that, my friends, is very far away.

But that isn’t the core matter that concerns me at the moment. No, that isn’t it at all. Instead, it’s a matter that I’m sure we’ve all had to deal with before. There is a friend in need. And of course, you are in a good position to help this friend. Well, the problem is that you are not able to help the friend. Why is that? In my case, I just got the impression that she didn’t want my help. As a matter of fact, I received the impression that she wanted anything but my help. Oh, woe is me. What good am I if I can’t even help a friend in need. Maybe she just wanted to be alone…but then again, maybe not. I just wish I could’ve helped. But…we all know me don’t we. Never the one to be able to put his foot down and force his position upon someone because he believes that the situation is to delicate and that if he does that he would never be forgiven. Of course, doing nothing is something much worse. Well, stupid me has to pick the worst crime of all…doesn’t he. Just run away. Why the hell do I do that so often. Whenever anything bad comes up, I just run away…

Entry 69 - 1/22/00

I would’ve come sooner, yes, but my mother has been hogging the computer for work related purposes for quite a while. Well, now it is tomorrow…just like the people say it should be. Tomorrow, we’ve all heard that song at least once…right? Oh well, there are other matters at hand at the moment.

For instance, what is with me and saying matters lately? Well, I have no idea. Oh well, I am doing well. I am visiting my brother today. That should be fun, because we’re going to do stuff like go to bible study and stuff like that (and if you thought I was serious…well…lets just hope that you didn’t think I was). But there is something even more important that is going on.

I have finally done it. After all of the struggle, after all of the trials and tribulations, all the roadblocks and mental blocks, I have finally done it. January 21, 2000 will remain a red letter day to more for a little while…or at least until July 21, 2000 rolls around. Well, enough suspense and babble, I finally have my driver’s license. I’d love to write all about it, but my father is being a bitch and kicking me off the computer, so all of that will come later (God forbid, may there be another update in scribblings after all? The suspense continues…or not).

Entry 70 - 1/23/00

Well…it’s been a day now. One whole day at college almost. I only have one comment for that, and none of you will be surprised. That is by far the most penis jokes I’ve ever heard in one day. It was fun…almost, except kinda boring for the fact that I had to sit through 8 hours of seeing people play video games. Well…it was good to see my brother, so I got something out of it.

In other news, it has finally snowed in Charlotte. Of course…I knew this was going to happen. And of course, it snows more in Charlotte than in did in Greensboro because I was up in Greensboro. Well, all the more for everyone when I get back. And I must say, damn, it sure does look pretty outside. Well, there better not be any school tomorrow, or I will be quite pissed. The streets are frozen, and there is around two inches of snow on the ground. If they cancel school for less than an inch, I could be out for a week because of this predicament. Now…if only we had five inches of snow. Then I would be quite happy. But, take what you get, and enjoy it while you can. Now to scribe arcane random messages into the snow and on people’s cars! YAY!

Now I have my driver’s license, for those of you who weren’t paying attention last time. I haven’t driven at all since I’ve gotten it, but I will have an opportunity soon. And when I do, things will be all fun and stuff. And I’m sure I’ll have plenty of interesting stories. But since I’m babbling again, I shall get off my butt, get some ice cream, sit back down on my butt, and do nothing.

Go to the opening life page

Return to the land you came from