C'est la Vie

Entry 58 - 12/17/99

Days pass, that they do, and I pass along with them, willingly or no. And now, Iím sitting in front of my computer with my eyeballs popping out because itís 1:13 in the AM and I feel like updating my page. Yes, itís just been another one of those do nothing days. Iím going to have many of those until the year ends, and Iím sure Iíll have plenty more come next year.

Is it possible to believe that the New Year is almost over? Is it possible to believe that those stupid little countdown to the millennium clocks are going to stop their purpose, because they only have four digits for the number of days, and itís going to be 365200 days until the year 3000 (and that does include leap yearsÖI hope). Well, thatís not my problem. My problem is looking around, and seeing the year is nearly over. What about my new years resolutions? Ha! Thatís funny! I guess thatís just another reason to start a New Year. Well, lets see just how my new years resolutions have turned outÖoh wait, I only made oneÖand that never happened. And I have around 25 more years to have that happenÖso maybe it will (and maybe pigs will start flying out of my chicken soup). OhÖme without my drivers licenseÖ

I know itís a little early for reflection, but letís just take a look for a moment at whatís happened this yearÖand I mean the stuff I didnít plan or ďresolveĒ to happen. I had my wisdom teeth taken out. I joined the Drama Club. I greatly expanded my horizons on music (country still sucks). I had a relationship that eventually ended very painfully (as many high school relationships do). I made an F in English. I made many new friends. I actually became a semi-interesting person (or so my friends tell me). The voices in my head are starting to actually tell me useful stuff. I made a web page. I didnít run for student council. But most importantly, this year, Iíve begun to move on from the prior times of my life that wasÖwell...the hell of pre-High School and freshman year. I donít look back to that and wonder how I couldíve made it better. Now, I take a step forward and try to make my current life a better place to live/exist in. Iíve gone from having negative self-confidence to actually becoming quite a mentally resilient person. I have begun to come into my own when it comes to writing, and I can actually look at myself in the mirror and say ďWhat the hell is wrong with you Chris?Ē, and laugh as opposed to writhing in bed for hours prodding the daunting subject like I would in years past. If this year hasnít been good to me, which I believe it has, it has at least been very good for me. At last I learn that a trial by fire isnít always the best way to learn how to survive.

I must say that that was quite a sentimental moment. Let me take a moment to breathe in the airÖahhhhhÖmuch better. Its times like these that are nice. Itís the holidays for crying out loud, itís a time to feel good about yourself damn it! Itís not a time to go hustling and bustling about the malls, getting in cat fights with everyone that gives you dirty looks while you wait to buy that second choice present for that first rate special someone that you so care about. Itís a time to be caring, not a time to give the finger to someone just because they cut you off from the only available parking space within a half-mile radius of the Target on Independence Boulevard. The end of the year is a time to take a deep breath and step forward into the wonder and mystery that is the great beyond, not the time to sit around the house for hours moaning about how alone you are while your mother plays the same CD with overplayed Christmas carols 24/7. This is the time of year to kick back, relax, and do what you like to do the most. I look ahead on the calendar only hoping that I will be so lucky as to have fun on the day everyone has been looking to, even if I donít party like itís 1999.

Entry 59 - 12/19/99

Well well what do you know, so much happens in a few days doesnít it? This is the season to be sickÖright? Well, let me tell you what happened the day that I was supposed to have visitors from out of town. I have to shovel three-week-old rotting mulch. That got me very very congested in the throat, with a nice coughing spell to boot. Add that to some very rigorous activity, and you have one very dehydrated and exhaughted individual. I could drink water because I was trying to hard to breathe, and I was having enough trouble breathing because my damn throat was so clogged. Well, on the way back from where I went, I had this sudden urge the puke. Yep, thatís right, toss it, upchuck, spew, whatever it means to you, I told the driver of the car that I had to throw up. He didnít really listen at first and kept driving, so I puked out the window. After he stopped, I puked in some poor guys gutter (I wonder how he felt when he saw that, considering that it didnít rain too hard today). I puked the most I had in my entire life. It even came out my nose (okay, Iíll stop talking about it now).

In other, more stomachefull news. I had a bad cramp due to the above incident. I eventually got better. No too much else, other than I saw some nice Mayan Tiki Gods my dad has in the bottom of his closet. The rest of every other day is boring, so Iíll stop talking about it now.

Entry 60 - 12/24/99

A few nights ago I disclosed to a close friend of mine that things were doing all right in my life and that I was happy, if at least content, with most aspects of my life. I was doing well with how most things were going, and I was happy in the direction they were taking. I was one happy camper. Of course, I said those words at sometime between midnight and 2 am, and I am certainly not sure of the exact wording, nor am I sure of the validity of that statement like I was the time I said it then.

I have been tossing and turning in my bed for the past hour and a half contemplating that very matter (and a few others too). I donít know what the matter is. I very well should be happy with where I am. Happy enough to have friends, and happier to know that they care about what I do and how I am doing. I should be happy that I have been able to trudge through first semester and survive, while scarred, not mortally wounded. Yet something is missing. It doesnít feel like there is some queer weak link or anything, but there is just this part of me that feels outrightly like it is not there. Could it be the freedom that comes with being able to drive by oneself (for God only knows how much I wish I had the privilege)? Somehow, I highly doubt it. I donít have much to run away from. Sure, mom and dad may be annoying at times, and home may get rather dull, but itís not nearly as bad as I make it out to be. No, the only thing I have to run from is myself, and no driving privilege is going to give me the ability to do that.

Am I creeping up on the door of insanity again, knocking at it so impatiently and emphatically for it to let me in so I can wallow in itís warmth? For now at least, I canít be completely sure. I was joking with my brother in the car about the voices in my head, which he astutely believes donít exist while I believe just the opposite just as strongly. I wonder how Iím ever going to get those three huge projects I have for school done in the week that I have left to do them in. There are the feelings of loneliness that creep upon me sometimes and bite me in the ankle. Iím not sure if any of these may be the cause of my pains, but I refuse to take the excuse that itís just another chemical imbalance that I am troubling over. That is way too easy.

Reminds me of a dream I had last night. I was living in a world that I think was about 20 years in the future. The ground was searing hot and no one was around. This was because technology had been developed where people could be made completely digitized and live forever within the silicon in the Earth. It was hard to walk around, and I eventually decided to take a venture into this new ďway of livingĒ after I found someone who could change into a more digitized person. The most striking part of the dream though was the transition. Suddenly, I was whisked away and was floating through this surreal blue landscape that resembled a close-up at someoneís hair. The hair was one of those weird ďtechnoĒ kinda blues, the electric kind. The flight down towards the one hair that was sticking up lasted a few minutes, and that entire time my ears were rung with screams and yells of horrible pain, sorrow, and suffering.

Back to the part of living that is this reality though. I never thought I had such a something as that scene from that dream within me. I never really considered it until just the time of this typing actually, and if fascinates me as well as concerns me. Is it my painÖof course, itís my dream, it has to come from me. But the real question is was the pain by my hands? A very troublesome question indeed.

Itís good to let out a little of a rant, and maybe Iíll be able to get some sleep eventually tonight (considering itís 2:50 AM at the moment). I can be pretty sure that this little ďemptinessĒ will hide itís disfigured head back into the gates of my inner mind come tomorrow, but what wonders will come about when it rears itís little head again into the limelight. I have a shade of an idea of what it may be, but thatís all I have.

Entry 61 - 12/27/99

Do you wish to be surprised, do you wish to be shocked, or do you wish to be both? Well, let me tell you something right now, and I know some of you will probably shake your head in wonder. Life is good. Yep, thatís right, things are good here. Things are well here and I am doing quite well. I had a pretty good Christmas, and I got a whole bunch of CDs that I wanted. I got to have a good time with my brother, brother-in-law, and sister. God may forbid it quite a bit, but Iím in a good mood.

Well, I may be in a good mood, but Iím also tired. Very tied in fact. Iíve been running around doing all sorts of stuff, like working on homework that I got from 3 of my classes. It really really sucks. But at the same time itís a little fun to do because I try to work while listening to music, then start to bust out singing (Iím sure some of you readers are glad not to be there for that display). Iíve also been up for past 2 AM for the past week, and up past 3 AM for the past two days. But that isnít really a problem. Iíve been enjoying myself by spending my time quite well. Now Iíll have a little momentÖa;lskdjf;lkdsÖthere that was very stupid, but Iím not deleting it because it shows that my mind is running too fast for itís own good. Now who said that thinking was such an unhealthy thing?

Well, Iíd like to go ahead and thank the voices in my head. Theyíve been very helpful to me lately. The funny thing is that Iím actually starting to listen to them, and itís starting to help me. Theyíre always right; itís very scary. Well, they are my two little guiding lights. I can really only hope that times will keep being good like they are. I have a whole new week to waste before school starts again, so I may as well get started. Yay!

Entry 62 - 12/30/99

Ahhh, the searing hot pits open themselves again. What wonders will they expose today? Will there be anything worth wondering, worth mentioning, worth uttering a sole speaking of. Sure, there may be, but will it be worth it?

And there were good times, great times, not so great times, and ever so silly times. Why must we always remember the poor ones? What is it that suddenly we can be feeling so grand, and just like that feel really down. I know not what lurks at me in the distance cackling at me, but I have indeed seen its eye. It is an eye of utter joy, a joy that screams from the very small portion of a man as he is being drawn and quartered. It nags, it stings, and it bites my neck, my mind, and maybe even my soul. Iím not so sure for sure, but I do know that it came out of nowhere, and has no intention of leaving at the moment.

Rather, times are well, except for those horrid blotches that drown them out. I am on a trip to a new very far away land, and the voyage has just begun. WellÖnow it has, and the ride, as usual, is never smooth. A moment this, a moment that, and all in all, it seems it only wants to call for distress. Such is me, one moment up, two down, and three all the way around. Off I go sailing, for my big fish is out there, and now I must follow it to uncharted seas.

Entry 63 - 1/2/00

It is the New YearÖand yet it doesnít feel like it at all. There is still plenty of boredom abound, and there is still plenty of other stuff about. We all know what I did to celebrate the New Year, I was at home, and feeling pretty isolated, with my parents. The New YearÖoh what a time it may or may not be. I am one to not follow through with my resolutions, and I hope I can follow through with the one and only one that made. What could it be? Something that Iím pretty bad at actually, try to have fun in whatever I do. I can only hope that is a resolution I can keep. However, with the events of the first two days of the new yearÖit appears that Iíll be having quite a bit of trouble.

I thinkÖand when I think, many things can happen. Funny how I am more burnt out now during the break than I was during the school year. Wasnít the break supposed to be thatÖa break? Damn teachers, throwing their stuff at me, adding all sorts of stress that shouldnít be in what should be good happy times. If you canít tell Iím not happy. Iím not happy about many things, and things are getting a little worse because Iím letting them. Sorry, Iím in sort of a funk, now let me try to work my way out of itÖplease?

ErgÖwhere oh where to begin. Why not with the New Year, where my mom and dad had way too much to drink for their own good. Who had to deal with their hangover..me! And what were they doing while stressing over their hangover, paying bills! Iím happy that theyíre finally working on their taxes before April 15th, but by the same token, I just wish they wouldnít take out all of their aggravation on me (okay, so I know they arenít, but itís making me pretty aggravated if you couldnít tell already). Then there is the fact of me being so damn tired all the time. I donít even know, Iím just really stressing out over a bunch of nothing. My brain is just flying around and going through the window in and outÖon a string. Yay, my mind is racing again, the voices in my head are laughing uncontrollably, and my brother is listening to the TV almost as loud as he can. Damn it! I donít know what is going on in my head. Sure, I havenít been eating as much as I usually do, but I just havenít been hungry. Okay, so I did eat dinner, but just like after any other meal lately, itís made me quite sick. UhhhÖI donít know whoís jumping up and down in my headÖI donít know where Iím going or where Iíve been. I remember what Iíve doneÖbut Iím just really annoyed. Iím tired. Iíve been doing so many things during times where I should be relaxing. I've been trying to help peopleÖand it seems like Iím not able to do that like I used to be able to. I make fun of myself a lot, now people are agreeing with me. I let people make fun of me, now Iím agreeing with them. Where am I going? Maybe Iíll just stop typing, for my fingers are beginning to get a little bitter. Maybe Iíll be feeling a bit better next time I write. I hope so, for right now my brain is quite screwed up (but hey, isnít it like that all the time?).

Entry 64 - 1/5/00

If there is one thing I need right nowÖit would probably be sleep. School has started again, and I have already fallen asleep in class. Of course, it was because we were doing standardized testing, but at least the nap helped a little.

Life could be kind of weird, but at the same time it isnít that surprising. I am having these little swings between feeling absolutely giddy, absolutely normal, and absolutely depressed. I guess itís just because of the recent stresses and other things that are going on in my life. I guess it doesnít help that I didnít get any rest over the breakÖbut thatís okay. As long as I can enjoy myself a little now that Iím back in school, at least Iíll be able to survive another 19 weeks.

Actually, while school has plenty of downsides, it also has plenty of upsides. I get to see many of my friends that I wouldnít otherwise see. It give me a little bit of a routine to live by so that I wonít be sitting in my room staring that the ceiling becoming horribly depressed from boredom (okay, so maybe Iím now sitting in classes horribly depressed from boredom, but at least Iím not alone). One of the worse parts of coming back was going to my new class, ďHealth/PE 9Ē. I was hoping there was going to be some cool freshmen in there somewhere (yes, they do exist). Well, there arenít. I guess itís time to have fun messing with their feeble little minds! (insert evil laugh here)

Well, life would be better if Iíd stoop beating myself in the head so much over problems that I blow out of proportion in my head. Iíve been through this before, and Iíll go through it again. Maybe if Iím a little more realistic in realizing that I am not the only person out there who thinks the way I do, then I should be okay. Now to drive that idea in my headÖ

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