C'est la Vie

Entry 52 - 11/22/99

Ahh, finally, what I believe may finally be some suitable time to update my page...amongst all of the constant fucking up of this fucking computer (forgive the vulgarity of that statment). Today hasn't been good. As a matter of fact, the past four days, maybe even five days, havn't been good at all. The trip sucked (except for sweet little Hannah of course), and I was struck at school today by the desiese that is lonliness I believe.

It was in the morning, and I had to write a letter to my parents for an essay on my history test. There was origionally a history based essay, but Mrs. Solomon's father died over the weekend (my deepest condolences go to her, for she loved him very much), and she had a revelation. Thus, everyone got an extra 30 points on their test for writing a letter to their parents. She wanted them to be good and kind, but mine wasn't exactly the most mushing thing imaginable. What can I say, that just isn't my style. It didn't make me feel good at all, and I found myself a little sick of myself for the rest of the day. I will post the letter here soon (or as soon as soon can be).

The rest of the day was quite lonely, and my day rather boring. The bus ride was uneventful, and I made it that way for myself. I didn't wish to talk to anyone, for I was wallowing in my sadness (never a good practice) who's origion I had no idea of at the time. I got home and did somemore wallowing and tried to do some homework. That wasn't very succesful, even though I got it done.

Then my brother called. It was good to talk to him after all of this time that I have been unable to talk to him. It's been weeks, and he is coming home tomorrow (however much time he will spend there remains a mystery to me though). We caught up on some old times, but we didn't talk too long. He had some encouragement for me though. The whole ordeal that has transpired latley has driven my parents to decide to not let me get my driver's license (those bitches, and yes, I know that makes me a son of a bitch). Brother David thinks they'll back off of that, but I'm having my doubts. I believe that they don't want to give me the freedom that I crave/need, and this is one excuse not to let me have it. Let's see, going to a Garbage concert (which kicked ass mind you) with a 55 on a math test. Gosh, I certainly deserve to be forever chained to my house because of that.

But if there was one exchange that hurt the most today, it would be the one that happened between me and a good friend of mine when I was talking to her today. She called, we talked briefly, and I was feeling really horrible, already on the verge of tears due to the mere sorrow that burdened me. She is watching the TV while talking to me, and she is very easily distracted by it. So what transpires is me trying to talk about my problems to her, and having my jumbled words falling on deaf ears. I think it's quite an irony and possibly even a travisty, for I've always had two open ears and an insightful mind whenever she's had problems that she's taken to me. Well, we did discuss one thing briefly. One of our friend's granmothers died this weekend (my condolences go out to him and his family as well). We were both quite concerned about him and sad about it. Other than that small exchange, it was just me talking to someone who was paying all of her attention to the TV, and very little of it to me. She eventually said that she had to go, which was fine for I was trying to muster up the words to say to her that I just didn't feel like talking to her (since she was in her current state). It was quite painful to me, but it isn't the first time such conversations have occoured.

Today has indeed outrightly sucked. What can I say, I made it bad for myself, and that just kind of set me up. But the bug of lonelyness has indeed bitten me. I can only hope that I can gain release from it's venom soon, and that's why I'm going to try to get a good nights rest. But before I go, I will take one good thing out of the day. I am currently listening to an album that I accidently borrowed from a frined of mine, silverchair's "Neon Ballroom". I must say that it thuroughly kicks ass, and that I will have to get a copy for myself (and so must everyone else...hehehe).

Entry 53 - 11/25/99

Thanksgiving, the day where people gather around and give thanks. The day when people are happy about a gaint meal. A day where over 300 million innocent turkeys are killed. We are all murderers I tell you! But hey, it's the time families get together, and you know what that means at the Ward household...right?

Well, to start, my brother and brother-in-law are here, and so is my sister. They've been quite pleasnt to be with. Of course, mom and dad have been two bitches (yes, I'm still a son-of-a-bitch). They have been quite spitful towards me and have been trying really hard to make me too good of a host to them. They snap at me "Ask them if they want a drink!" or "Damn, they're so bored, make them do something". Of course, they are all in the same room as mom, so they over hear it. It's quite embarrasing. What a surprise though. Then, there was the really bad part, the "discussion" during the Thanksgiving lunch.

Brother David brought up what he wants to do for new years day, and mom and dad didn't agree with it. They got in a nice shouting match about it over the table (well, not exactly shouting, just arguing). And they say thanksgiving is a time to give thanks...oh well.

And I don't feel like typing anymore, just because I'm wierd and am starting to have a giant brain fart now. Bye bye!

Entry 54 - 11/29/99

The break is over, and reality can begin again. And how was it today? Quite groggy, and quite usual. The only thing that was different about it was the little bit of newness about the return to school that I had so missed during portions of this 6 day break.

Oh was I tired in the morning. Due to me keeping bad sleeping habits during the break, I wasn't able to go to sleep until about 2:00 AM (maybe). I awoke 3 hours later with a heavy head and a somewhat heavy heart. By the time the time was to go, I was very glad to be gone. Finally, I was out of the house, out of inprisonment, and I could finally return to my mind. It wasn't a liberating experience though, I was too tired to notice too much of it. I was so tired in fact that I almost feel down the stairs in the morning and I tripped over my driveway on the walk to the street.

The day was quite normal (like I said before). History was spent doing history, english was spent doing English. PiB Drama was highlighted by some silly moments and discussing with someone about life Post-IB. On that matter I advise anyone who doubts they can handle the workload to drop out, because I'd rather see someone do well then see someone go absolutly off their rocker. Tech theatre was partially spent by me looking all around campus for a janitor so that I get some lights for Mr. Vance. I also got to expalin some mental complexes of mine to the class. However, they don't believe that I have voices in my head. Why don't they? Because they can't hear them! Now...isn't that just wonderful?

Today was (notice how I didn't mention gym...it was a bunch of nothing again) another day in this life of mine. So far, it's been rather tranquil, but it's only just turned 5:00 PM, and my parents have yet to come home. They will be greeted with the same disgusting sight I was, a giant pile of steaming mulch (and it didn't smell too wonderful either). And now, off to the wonderful world of homework.

Entry 55 - 12/1/99

My oh my how the days are long. Yet how come the weeks seem so short? Oh well, time flows in mysterious ways, and as long as I don't fall off of it for now, I'll be okay. Speaking of which, that was around the area in which my days have been lately, just okay. Nothing great, nothing bad nor spactacular. Just a bunch of blah.

The first thing I think of when I think of today is one of the last things that happened to me at school. I was coming in from getting really cold outside playing soccer in gym. I turn up the stairs to go up, and a whole bunch of people come barreling down the stairs. And what does one guy who I didn't even see coming do to me? He punches me in the chest! That felt wonderful, and that area has just recently stopped burning because of it. I used to think random acts of violence were okay, pending on time and place. Now I'm beginning to like them less and less.

Speaking of gym, I also had a very telling conversation between someone I know and someone I don't. They were trying to mock me because I refuse to change in the gym's locker room. I have no good reason why, I just havn't before, so why should I start now. They were laughing at me because they thought I would feel embarassed being naked in the locker room. Well, school isn't a place that I particuarlly want to get naked at, so I guess that's another reason for me not to change my clothes in the locker room.

There isn't too much else going on. The multch is still rotting in the driveway. People are still complaining about the cold weather. My friends are still having cirises. I'm still having mental breakdowns. Everything is just too plain, simple, and predictable. I wonder if that will change anytime soon. You know, that would be kind of nice. But as they say, be careful what you wish for...oh screw that. I just want something to happen.

Entry 56 - 12/6/99

Ahh, isn't life just shitty? Oh boy, my weekend outrightly sucked, absolutley and positivley. I've been feeling quite not well latley. It's almost like there is some emptiness inside me that is eating me away. I don't know what it is for sure, but I have some idea.

I've been feeling quite alone latley, not really at school, but very much so at home. This weekend just took that feeling of lonliness further along than it probably should go. It's now been 11 days that I've been able to have my license. That probably means that by now I would be able to go out and at least get out of the house. But home has become a prison, and I have been confined to my cell for most of the weekend. Either working or cleaning, but mostly wishing I was somewhere else. For the majority of the weekend I kept contanct with nobody. I was all there, in my house, reminding myself that it was my doing that I do not have my drivers license and thus I don't have my freedom. But then Sunday came along. Ohh, Sunday, the sabbath never seems to be able to do good to me.

Sunday was a day of cleaning for me. My parents just informed me that someone way coming over tomorrow to check the house to appraise it. The house had to look very clean, and I was left to clean a lot in my room and my bathroom amongst other places. I did it, but it was very hard. Not because it was cleaning, but because of mom and dad screaming at me because I wasn't doing it right or that I wasn't doing it fast enough.

Entry 56 - 12/6/99

Ahh, isn't life just shitty? Oh boy, my weekend outrightly sucked, absolutley and positivley. I've been feeling quite not well latley. It's almost like there is some emptiness inside me that is eating me away. I don't know what it is for sure, but I have some idea.

I've been feeling quite alone latley, not really at school, but very much so at home. This weekend just took that feeling of lonliness further along than it probably should go. It's now been 11 days that I've been able to have my license. That probably means that by now I would be able to go out and at least get out of the house. But home has become a prison, and I have been confined to my cell for most of the weekend. Either working or cleaning, but mostly wishing I was somewhere else. For the majority of the weekend I kept contanct with nobody. I was all there, in my house, reminding myself that it was my doing that I do not have my drivers license and thus I don't have my freedom. But then Sunday came along. Ohh, Sunday, the sabbath never seems to be able to do good to me.

Sunday was a day of cleaning for me. My parents just informed me that someone way coming over tomorrow to check the house to appraise it. The house had to look very clean, and I was left to clean a lot in my room and my bathroom amongst other places. I did it, but it was very hard. Not because it was cleaning, but because of mom and dad screaming at me because I wasn't doing it right or that I wasn't doing it fast enough.

Life sucks, it really really sucks right now. I wish I could say more, for I have so much more to say. But, my computer hates me, and my parents are telling me (sternly) that I must get off the computer. My heavy heart won't be getting any lighter tonight I guess

Entry 57 - 12/12/99

Well, life isnít as bad as it seems after all is it. Things are going okay, almost. But if there is one thing that is aggravating me the most, it would be my computer being a little whore and performing illegal operations left and right, thus making this my fourth attempt at updating this section. Oh the wonders of technology.

Well, I am currently something that I havenít been in forever and then some with the help of doctorsÖthat would be sick. I have some wired illness that has some form of identity crisis because it keeps on changing what it is. Just today, itís been a cough, a dry throat, sore eyes, runny nose, and other things, but never at the same time. Kind of odd for someone who prides himself in hardly ever getting sick to suddenly get something like this that he canít shake off for four days, donít you think? Well, Iím a little better now, because at the beginning I panicked a little. I didnít was to miss a day of school.

Why would that be you ask? I am currently exempt from all of my exams, and that includes English, the class that I've been lamenting over for at least the past month. My grades are doing much better than they were, and thus Iím in a better, not so worried mood. I currently have 3 As, 3 Cs, and 2 Bs. Thatís a big improvement, especially since I donít have that one F in Angolo-Saxonish anymore.

But onward and upward now, I have been enjoying myself more lately. When I last updated, I was just in one of those weird depression moods where one takes everything way too seriously for my own good. I donít know why those things come about. Some would say itís a ďchemical imbalance,Ē but I find that to be a rather convenient excuse. Maybe I was feeling lonely, maybe it was something else. But at least I know Iím feeling better now, and thatís the important thing right? Maybe I need to learn to not thing so much. But I do know that I need to get a good nightís rest tonight (something Iíve lacked for the past three nights), for I am taking two exams tomorrow. Even though Iím exempt, it couldnít hurtÖright? I may as well quite before my computer becomes a little bitch again, so goodbye.

Go to the opening life page

Return to the land you came from