C'est la Vie

Entry 30 - 9/26/99

Finally, they are gone. Finally, more peace and quiet. Finally, some time alone...yeah...right.

Well, the house is a lot quieter, and what I want is just that. But it isn't happening because of my grandmother. She's nice, very nice in fact, but when she ask you for the 50th time "Do you want something to eat?" or "Can I fix you anything it eat?", it just gets on one's nerves. I don't eat nearly as much as I used to. That is one thing that really pissed me off with dad, always asking me to eat. It looks like this won't be anything I can escape.

Also, there is the issue of everything being quiet, and suddenly, she burst out of nowhere and says something (usually, its asking me what I want to eat, with no regard to the fact that I had lunch 5 minutes ago). I hope the week gets better, and that I can enjoy my time with my parents gone. And same to them, I hope mom and dad can have a wonderful time at the beach. They really needed the break, and they better damn well enjoy themselves.

Then there is the toilet trouble again. The day mom and dad left, the toilets started to stop working again. The plummers never came, which sucks royally. Fortunantly, at least we can use the toilet and take hot showers, as opposed to last time. However, there will be no washing of dishes nor will there be any washing of clothes. That means my grandmother will have very little to do (except for cook of course).

Look on the bright side though, at least one less stress is gone with mom and dad out of the hosue for the time being. Now to deal with all of those other things...

Entry 31 - 9/28/99

Today's up and down, and quite frankly, I have no idea how to take it when one meshes it all together. There were good parts, there were bad parts, there were worse parts. Sounds rather normal, but it isn't a typical day.

Well well, I've been done in by my own ineptitude again. I dropped out of IB to make good grades, and just because I left an English paper at home, I will be failing AP English 11 this quarter. If only I could've gotten someone to get it for me at home, but I couldn't. And thus...it so happens that Mrs. Henry's policy of no late work has put one or ten nails in my coffin. I'm not mad at her at all, it's her policy and it's perfectly fair. I'm just very mad at myself and very worried about hot my parents are going to take it.

Then there was DPS initiations today. It was fun to really mess people up with whipped cream, taco salsa, and spagetti sauce. Sure, I got a lot of "I'm going to kill you Chris!", but they'll look back at it and see just how much fun it was...like I did.

Today was long and it took forever. Now it's time for the rest of it...which I must say will take even longer. Maybe I should do some work or something...nah...well...I don't want to be failing anymore classes this quarter.

Entry 32 - 10/1/99

There's a new national anthem, I can hear it loud and clear in the ballpark. And all you have to do is pull you little finger...

Wow, I've just seen the best play I've ever seen at a high school, and one of the best plays I've ever seen. It's called Assassins. All I can really say is see it, because man...it was great. And it was also crowded, for there were 60 people that were turned away at the door because the theater was full. Fortunanly, the friend I went with and I were able to get the last two seats.

Also, it was a pretty good Friday, and I'm very gald to be home. I read the book The Old Man and the Sea, which was also a great book. But english class has gone to hell due to the fact that I didn't turn in my english paper. So I have an F! Yahoo! Wonderful, yay...

Regardless, today has gone well, and so I shall leave it with a small note...no...a big note...no, no note. But I can leave it with a bright, happy, toothy smile. I think I would, but I must sleep for tomorrow...for I am babbling, which is an obvious sign of fatuige. Regardless (there's that damn word again), the tides are turning again, the upswing may be closing, but at least I am enjoying the crest, if this thing is working as typically as it usually does. Soon, the drama starts. Soon, my parents come home.

Entry 33 - 10/3/99

Ahh yes, just another day...riiight. My parents are home again, and they are in a good mood on the outside. But I've sensed a lot of animocity between them, and I learned today that that's indeed true. They got in a nice fight...wait a minute, isn't this page about my life?

Well, I did see Live last night, and they kicked ass in a big way. Their opening band also rocked. I have no clue what they were called, but they were from Ireland and damn man...they kicked ass too. I would have paid the $30 I paid to see Live just to see that Irish band. I'll find the link for them eventually. The concert was great though, and it was very very very loud. So when I left and had to call my parents, my ears were hurting quite a bit.

The aftermath of the concert was quite funny. I went to the concert with one other person, my friend Masha. She' 15 and I'm 16. There was a police officer there who was constantly questioning us. My guess was that she (the police officer) was either quite afraid that we were either going to go out and do drugs, or that we were going to stay out past cerfue. We avioded her as much as possible after that. Continuing, my dad picked me up (he was in quite good spirits). We BS'd on the way home, but there was one assumption that he made that erked me a little. He told me "Chris, I am so proud of you." He also gave me a good lecture about my manners towards women, and other little notes. My point, I think that he thinks that Masha and I are quite involved with each other (if you catch my drift). Now that's kinda funny. Of course, this would have remainded a theory, but mom reminded me about my dad's minset on female friends. My dad believes that there is no such thing, if you are any form of a friend with a woman, she is your girlfriend. Damn, that would make me quite a pimp then.

Good times have lasted, but when I tell my parents the truth about English...well, don't expect so many updates.

Entry 34 - 10/4/99

Funny how life twist and turns in front of you, keeping your feet from stepping in the right direction if you have no goal in mind, or lack the mind to reach the goal. Funny how people don't like your page because it is so depressing, but it's hard to like anything depressing. Funny how the people closest to you are the people you keep so far away. Very funny is the fact that one can show so much lack of care towards oneself.

Less than a day until my death, be it figurative or literal. I know why I am feeling so bad, the daunting feeling of thinking back to tomorrow. I put it in these terms because I can picture exactly how it's going to turn out, but I don't know the causes, effects, or what is said. I just know I am going to be standing in the kitchen for at least an hour with mom screaming at me and dad popping viens. My life will be stripped away from me, and I will be wishing that it was by my gentler hands. Tomorrow is a dream I do not look to, but I am forced to look towards. Tomorrow is a dream I'd rather sleep through. But it is a pain that is festering in my chest, and it is something that must be left from it's confinment.

And there was today...good, but not fufilling in any way. Sure, I got to talk to my friends. Sure, I may have had a few good laughs. Sure, I might've gotten rather tired by the end. But I can't help this feeling at least some of my friends are bored or sick of me, and don't really want me around. And I've had the feeling for quite a while that my tech theatre class is quite annoyed at my ineptitude. I just have a feeling that I'm quite boring, and strange to a fualt. Many people say it's good to be crazy, and I wholeheartedly agree, but the only way its really helped me is with writing material. I honestly see myself sometimes as just being an annoying parasite, and catch myself too late within the act.

Reminds me of an incident that happened today in drama class. There I was, sitting in the auditorium when the IB Theatre I class walks in, hoping to do some rehersing on the stage. I see three of them that I know, I say hello three of them, and all but one of the three is happy to respond, the other is a little reluctant. The rest of the class I clearly saw look at me and recognize me, then proceed to pretend not to know me or at least not to notice me. What a world this is, and while I may not care for their oppinions, it shows just how good I am at keeping relationships with people I called friends, even though they wern't that close.

I was laughing at myself last night, quite a bit actually after going through a close call with an emotional fallout. It's just plain hysterical how much of a standstill my social life is, or my relationships with people. My older, longstanding friends are (in my mind unfortunantly) growing farther and farther apart, while I'm finding it harder to talk to my newer friends. Maybe I'm just lost right now, stuck in the haze so to say. I look around and see all sorts of people close to each other, and wonder where I stand with my friends in that department. Am I really as close as I thought I was? At least I know that for now they are loyal friends that won't leave me while I'm down, and will try to help me back up. Oh, my friends, I would be nowhere with out them, or at least not here.

Here are two poems that I wrote recently that give some look into what is going on in my head, Seed and Departing.

Maybe things will be alright in the future. Maybe I'll survive my parents scoldings. Maybe they'll even be happy that I'm being honest about it (no chance of that happening). Life, oh my soul is in a state of perpetual bending, tearing, and screaming. I can only say one thing for sure right now, and that's that I'm not sure about much of anything.

Entry 35 - 10/5/99

Today is the day...damn it! I'm so pissed off at myself for how I carried myself today. I was literally begging for someone to pity me. Why the hell, have I sunk that low? Maybe it serves me right to have my parents bitch at me like they will tonight. I won't be in the mood for it, due to the fact that I woke up at 2:30 AM and couldn't get back to sleep. Such is life.

I have decided that I won't update my life section for a good while because all I ever seem to do is whine, bitch, and complain all over it. My life isn't all bad truthfully, in other people's eyes. Maybe I shouldn't be updating this thing until I can find some sense of positivity like I used to have back in the early days of the summer. So I've decided that tomorrow will be the last update in at least a week, for I'm sure that I'll want to write in this tomorrow.

I do have one thing to say before I go though. My current status is a stasis of lonliness. I am having a bunch of trouble relating to people. At lunch, everyone that I sat with at the beginning was in a different area by the end (myself included). Also, there are some people that are pissing me off. I shouldn't let them get to me though, it's my fault and my lack of maturity that is causing all of these harsh feelings. But then again, what is really disturbing is the fact that my mind is telling me that none of my friends want me around...and it is telling me in quite a convincing manner too. I hope I can have at least one person to turn to, because right now I am definantly going through all of this alone (in my mind).

"...where do we go from here? Could we start again please?"

Entry 36 - 10/7/99

I knew enough that B days would indeed suck. I have hardly any friends in any of my classes after 2nd period, and there are other bad things (such as a heavy bookbag) that make it quite bad too. But I'm sure you want to know something else first.

No, I didn't procrastinate on purpose! I haven't told my parents about english yet, but only because I haven't had an opporitunity. Two days ago, dad came home very bitchy. I was very worried, and decided not to tell them because dad was having too horrible of a day. But I was relieved to learn that I wouldn't have anyhow because my mom had taken a "surprise" trip to Florida. Yesterday rolls around and only dad is there. I want to tell them both at the same time, so as of yesterday it's still a secret. Dad left to go out of town until Saturday the 10th, and you the reader knows what that means. Not until Saturday right? Wrong again. On Tuesday I am taking the PSATs and I want to have what little sanity and piece of mind that I hold closly to me still there for one of the most important standardized test I've taken to date. So I may tell them Tuesday afternoon, but definantly by Wenesday.

Now to B days, they still suck. And it sucks even more to have 3 of them in a row. Math is tolerable because the teacher is very funny. Chemistry and Spanish are the pits though. The teachers are boring and I don't like the poeople in my classes, that much any way. And they (none of them) have any desire to talk to me. You know what that means kiddies? Three hours and fourty-six minutes of lonely tortue sitting through two periods and lunch just waiting for the bell to go "BEEEEP!".

Tomorrow, another B Day. I haven't had that great of a day today, but it just got helped by something. I went to the store and bought a CD, a really good CD. HEY!ALBUM by marvelous 3. See, there is a good part to every day. Maybe I need to get around to mentioning it more often...

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